11.19
In the past month, the newspapers, magazines and sports and news shows covered the video taken of a University of New Mexico player taking her aggressions out on other players from the BYU team. Many discussions on sportsmanship and the horridness of this behavior, as well as the idea of a lifetime ban on this player were had in any number of forums. As a culture, when we see these events from the eyes of judgment, we often want to blame the obvious, the person who committed these acts, hoping for swift and severe action, and then we move on. Nothing excuses the behavior of the New Mexico player or the behavior of the other players who instigated and or retaliated to her actions, but what are all the factors that play into these behaviors?
Same “Stuff” Different Day
Well, just when you thought it was safe to go back out on the soccer field, there are other situations of violence between female athletes presenting themselves. I have addressed issues of youth sports in a previous article http://thefatherlife.com/mag/author/efisher/ , but the event I will discuss hits a little close to home, no pun intended. I provide the details to demonstrate the continuous and almost premeditated nature of the violence in youth sports, and girls are no longer immune. This is not just a response in the heat of battle.
My niece plays on a traveling soccer team for high school girls in the San Antonio area. During her game in San Antonio this past weekend, members of the other team became aggressive, and on various occasions, girls from the other team physically assaulted players from my niece’s team. In one situation the player straddled a girl, with her face down, pounded her in the back repeatedly and then pulled her by the pony tail and forcibly and repeatedly slammed her face into the ground. In another situation, another player put one of my niece’s teammates in a headlock and repeatedly punched her in the face. As this continued, other players from my niece’s team came to the aid of their teammate, and a parent from the other team assaulted one of my niece’s teammates. After the Police were called, and the assaulting parent was seen leaving in their car, the referee yelled at the father who called the Police and then told the other team to leave quietly before the Police arrived. After the game was prematurely ended, one of the players from the other team was then heard saying, in a laughing tone, that the referee lost control of the game. During all of these incidents, the coach of the team never did anything to correct the actions of his own players.
The aftermath of this game was that because the game was called before its conclusion, the league awarded the victory and the tournament opportunity to the other team because they were winning at the time that the game was stopped. It is my understanding that only since the parents of my niece’s team contacted the league en masse, the league is now revisiting the situation. While this was caught on video and put on YouTube, thankfully, it was removed. There are so many things that went wrong here. The fact that it happened continues to be a wake up call to all of us. WE ARE OUT OF CONTROL, and our kids are part of the symptom, not the problem!
Where Do I Start?
There are so many issues to address, and I would welcome you to review my previous blog posts that have addressed many pertinent issues http://blogs.parentsociety.com/doctore/category/cultural-issues/ http://blogs.parentsociety.com/doctore/category/cultural-issues/page/2/ http://blogs.parentsociety.com/doctore/category/cultural-issues/page/3/ . Regardless, we have exposed our kids to the media on television, magazines, the internet, and they grow up in a culture that teaches the value of power over others rather than power with others. Many kids believe that it is better to look strong than it is to look good or right. I believe that this is the result of a deterioration in our emotional attachments between parents and children, which has led to the epidemic of arrogance and narcissism.
We have taught that the goal of games and grades is to win at any cost, whether we want to admit it or not. When or if people get caught breaking the rules, they often play the victim role, and there seldom is accountability. Cheating becomes a way of life that can be denied and manipulated to create doubt in the mind of others, and once again, they are off the hook. This has occurred under our watch, but the seeds were sown long before we were kids.
Furthermore, the sensationalistic, media-driven, extreme nature of our culture promotes the idea that we will get more attention if we behave in more extreme ways, and because of this we, and many of our kids, have become desensitized to violence and aggression and other behaviors that lack integrity and self-respect. Just consider how much media attention the New Mexico/BYU college soccer incident received on TV. Does the attention our society gives these acts of aggression make it seem okay to behave this way? Do you still think much of reality TV is a good idea? I also have not even begun to address the issue of bullying here, but covered the general issue and issue of girls and bullying in previous blogs. http://blogs.parentsociety.com/doctore/category/bullying/
Paying the Price
A huge issue to address is that when these aggressive behaviors occur and there is not an immediate and significant consequence, it encourages the same or even more extreme behavior in the future. According to the details presented from my niece, there were no league consequences for the individual or the team. In fact, they were rewarded with advancing to the tournament. Am I saying that there was no provocation by players on my niece’s team? No. It is possible that they may have been better at hiding their behaviors. As an example, if you have seen the videos of the New Mexico/BYU incident, you will notice that the New Mexico player was elbowed in the chest and even grabbed in her shorts before she retaliated on both situations.
It is still not known what all of the behaviors and actions of all the players in the New Mexico/BYU situation were, but we all have to be careful how we determine who the victims, persecutors, and rescuers are. Many times a “good victim” is able to instigate a response out of someone so that they can play the victim and blame the persecutor and either justify retaliation or look to be rescued. This contributes to our environment of mistrust, while it leads others to rush to judgment. Isn’t it often the person who retaliates to what was done to them who gets flagged? But where did it start?
We always have to remember that inside every bully is a wounded victim. Often the acts that “bullies” play out were done to them, and they are just trying to take the power from others that they feel was taken from them. No matter who started the conflict, all involved have responsibility and should be encouraged to take responsibility for what is theirs. Encouraging everyone to see their part empowers the perceived victim.
It’s All in Our Head
What we all need to recognize is that many of these issues that I have discussed are planted in the conscious and subconscious of all of our minds, and they are expressed in all of us, often when we least expect it. To think that our deepest, darkest beliefs and attitudes are not expressed, and/or that they do not exist, is an idea held in ignorance.
My concern is that we watch events on the news and the internet like people stare at car accidents, and so do our kids. We almost feel it is our right to watch these events on the news and the internet, and some feel deprived when they are edited for our own good. I do feel that putting these events on the news is for the ratings and to satisfy our morbid curiosities. Our viral video culture seems to have become a modern day freak show that so many want to become a part of, including our kids. Where has our dignity, self-respect, other-respect and integrity gone, and what have we taught our children? Please realize that I am not blaming any one facet of society or any group, especially parents, but I am holding you responsible for contributing to change. Each factor contributes to this perfect storm of aggression, and we have the power to do something to stop it.
We can say that the nature of sport is aggressive, and there are casualties along the way. There is no excuse for the aggression that is emerging. What I do know is that sport imitates life. What are we then saying about what we are teaching our kids and what they are learning along the way if this is how they are behaving? What tools do we want to give them to then hand down to their children?
Please…Wake up before it is too late.
Respectfully,
Dr. E…
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