“Art is a wound turned into light”, as French artist Georges Braque once said. At this time, we need healing. In the wake of the recent events at an Ohio High School, we were tragically made aware of a poem that was written and posted on Facebook by the troubled teen. It was this poem that said so much between the lines. For some, this poem may have parents running to read their kid’s journals and fearing what they may find, for others it is an invitation to see inside of their child’s soul and understand them better.

Teenage years are ripe with angst. It is a time of growth, and neurochemically the changes going on inside of your child’s brain can seem like a week on the floor of the NYSE. Some medical professionals have equated these years to a time of temporary insanity. Emotional ups and downs are part of the rite of passage into adulthood, and many a teen has written, drawn, painted, danced, composed or performed in the peaks of joy and the depths of pain. Sometimes those the extremes of the expression can be in the same day. Some of our kids share their creative spirit with the world, including ourselves, while others may never let them see the light of day.

Throughout time, art has been one of the most powerful means of communication. It transcends words and can evoke emotions that we may rarely feel. In my practice, I am in the unique position to not only see the creative work of kids and teens, but I encourage it as part of their healing. Furthermore, in my work with The ArtReach Foundation, we have seen the incredible power of the creative arts with children, teens and adults who have been through war, trauma, and natural disasters. Art of all forms is such a critical part of our human experience and allowing your child to express themselves, paying attention to their musings and creations, and recognizing when there is an issue to address can feel like walking a razor thin tightrope. So just how do you monitor your kids’ artistic expressions?

Create an environment of openness

This is a process that often begins long before your kids are teens, but it is never too late to start. You create this through playing, talking, singing, drawing, dancing, coloring, acting with your kids. Encourage them to express themselves how they wish in a respectful way to others, and it opens the door for you to be a part of that throughout their life. I can’t count the number of times that my wife and I have been involved with our daughter’s creative expression, but I have countless memories. Be willing to share your creations with them, as well. I had written a children’s story for my daughter when she was born that I have shared with her as she has gotten older. Although she has been reluctant to listen at times, she knows that it is there when she is ready.

Give your child space to create

While you want to have a pulse on what your kids are doing, you also want to give them space without feeling watched. Give them some time on their own, get them involved in a class to try things, give then a journal, let them create with friends and ask questions about how things are going. Sometimes kids react when their parents want to get into their space, but let them know that you care about what they are doing. Be persistent and patient. Often behind their shell of defiance and resistance is a child who wants your attention. This can be a tough journey, especially when you may be trying to not lose your cool.

See what their friends are creating

Because kids often want to be like their friends and/or their friends are like barometers for how your kids are feeling inside, show some interest in what they are creating. Some kids may start to show some behaviors to fit in, and some kids feel that they have an environment to express how they really feel. Some parents want to react by forbidding the friendship, which can cut them off from a life line. I say to open up a dialogue about their friend. Does their friend feel the way that your child does? Do they want to be like them? Are they trying to rescue their friend from their pain? Are they a good influence on your child in helping them to express themselves more creatively?  Does that child need your help? Be careful not to judge.

Be involved in what your kids are creating and/or find someone to be involved 

Through my work with The ArtReach Foundation and my practice, I have seen the incredible power of the creative arts to result in rapid healing and transformation. Often children with emotional issues have families that feel fractured to them. Being able to be involved in their creative expression can be a great way to heal family relationships, and finding an environment for your children to safely express themselves may create an environment for them to heal their pain.

Instead of critiquing what your kids are putting out to the world, question what it means to them. 

I can’t tell you how many times parents close doors of communication with their children when they critique their work, their music, their dance, their writing… I also know of children that have been punished by their parents and those who have been suspended from school because of their creative expression. No one asked them what it meant or even helped them to explore it. Instead their creativity became hidden behind a wall of guilt, shame, hatred and rage. I would encourage you to ask your child questions about their creation. I have had such an amazing window into people’s souls when I have asked questions about what their art meant, especially poetry, because the metaphors can be so rich. Don’t assume that death means death, but don’t avoid the idea that it doesn’t. Asking questions can often avoid the confusion.

We are emotional beings

Too often in our culture, we rely on logic, which definitely can have a powerful positive role in helping us to reason in our world. Emotions on the other hand may be expressed irrationally, but also have a logic to them. Too many times, we can’t understand the rationality of our emotions, because we don’t understand them. It is often through the creative arts that we can begin to understand emotions in a way that a conversation cannot say. Give yourself and your child the opportunity to feel.

Most importantly, if you feel that your child a child is showing signs of distress through their creative expression, get them help and make sure it is someone who will seek to understand them, not judge them. As they say, there is a fine line between creativity and madness. As a parent, it may not be your place to figure it out.

Respectfully,

Erik A. Fisher, Ph.D. aka Dr. E…

I hope you will enjoy today’s guest post by Amy Reynolds. See you next time.  - Dr. E…

In today’s cyber society, it seems as though we do everything online.  We have the internet available to us at home, school, work, and even on the go.  That being said, our teens are probably even more connected than we are…and since there are dangers lurking around every “.com” and any “.net” can snare even the experienced web browser, it is crucial that we safeguard our kids and teach them how to make smart and safe choices when using the internet to avoid falling victim to online predators.

Talk with your teens.  Keep the communication open with your children so that they feel comfortable talking with you about what’s going on in their lives.  This way if they have any questions or concerns they won’t be afraid to bring them up.  As a parent, you need to stay up to date on current issues and risks so that you can be a resource for your children, knowing what they are experiencing on and off the internet.  Discuss how you can help them make safe choices and then review the proper precautions they need to take to steer clear of the danger that comes with meeting strangers online.

How to safeguard your teens.  Teens are connected through the internet and using a variety of different online services, each having some safety concerns that you should address.  You can’t always be with them, or monitor their every move, but here are some ways in which you can help to protect them against online predators:

• Know who is connecting with your teens online and set rules for social networking, instant messaging, emailing, online gaming and use of webcams.
• Surf the web with your kids so that they can show you what their online interests are.
• Use email filters on your computer.
• Keep the dialogue open for discussion.

What to look for.  If being victimized by an internet stranger, your teen might not approach you right away about it.  If you notice some questionable behavior displayed by your child, there is a possibility that they are being exploited by a predator online.  Watch out for the following and decide if you need to take action and intervene:

• Your teen is spending excessive amounts of time on the internet.
• They become upset or angry when they cannot access the web.
• Your teen is withdrawing from family, friends, hobbies and activities they once used to enjoy.
• When you enter the room, your teen turns off the computer or minimizes the page.
• You find inappropriate images or websites on your computer’s history.
• Strange numbers appear on your telephone bill.
• Your teen is receiving random gifts in the mail from someone you’ve never heard of before.

Tips for your teens.  In your conversations about safety on the web, be sure to cover these tips with your teens so they know how to protect themselves from a potentially hazardous encounter with an online stranger.

• Do not disclose any personal information online.  Make sure you never display or exchange identifying details with any stranger on the web, or on your online profile for that matter.  This includes last names, phone numbers, addresses, personal emails, passwords, financial information, or anything else you wouldn’t want someone you don’t know to have. 
• Do not meet up with strangers.  If you meet someone online, it is never a good idea to meet up with that person.  Don’t tell anyone your schedule, where you will be hanging out, etc.  As much as you think you may know someone through some seemingly innocent exchanges online, people are often not who they say they are. 
• Do not fill out any questionnaires that are emailed to you.  Even if you receive these from your friends, know that these get forwarded to many people.  All of the personal things that you fill out could get forwarded to a stranger, who could use them for harmful purposes.
• Use caution when posting pictures.  Putting pictures up online can be a fun way to interact and share with your friends.  As fun as it may be, however, it is best to exercise good judgment when doing this.  Make sure the photos you post of yourself are appropriate and not revealing.  Inappropriate pictures of yourself can be misleading and often have the ability to generate unwanted attention from someone with bad intentions. 
• Tell an adult if something is wrong.  If you feel uncomfortable, frightened, or like you are being targeted by an online predator, cease all contact with that person and immediately confide in an adult you trust who can help you.

This guest post is brought to us by Amy Reynolds, an author of articles surrounding topics of online safety and dating for Best Adult Dating Sites.

Recently, I received a call from one of the kids that I work with. I will use the word “they” to protect their identity. They told me about an incident in school where a teacher asked them a question, and they didn’t know the answer. Instead of answering, they shut down and did not respond. When they did not respond, the teacher then answered her own question by using the student in her response to the class. The whole class laughed, and the student felt humiliated, embarrassed, stupid and ashamed. Students continued to make comments about this after class to “they”, and they continued to be mocked and felt helpless to do anything about this.

Some people may see this situation as innocent enough and may not have a problem with it, other than thinking that this kid needs to toughen up a bit. I will give you another true story. A teacher comes into a classroom and asks for one of the students to come with them to their classroom. The teacher takes the student to the classroom and pulls the kid’s arm behind their back and threatens to break the kid’s arm if the kid touches another one of her students again. The problem was that this kid never did anything to anyone. A child in her class made the story up to spite “the kid”, and the teacher did not do her “homework” to check facts.

Is one of these events worse than the others? It is a relative question, but I would say the definition of worse, in some ways, depends on the ultimate outcome. Worse is not the issue IMHO, however. The issue is about the ability for students to feel safe in a learning environment. Both kids had a history of being teased, bullied and humiliated. In both situations, their parents weren’t really sure how to handle the situation. In both situations the child felt helpless to do or say anything for fear of reprisal by peers and the teacher. Both situations have the ability to permanently affect the lives of others, not just these two children, but also the students who observed these events.

Lesons Learned

It has been shown that humans and animals not only learn by doing, they learn through observation. Many of us only need to see someone touch a hot stove to know that we don’t want to do that ourselves. Taken further, many students observe the behaviors of teachers in the classroom toward other students and learn that they don’t want to experience the humiliating consequences of their teachers’ actions. It shuts them down, decreases the chance of them taking risks, and they don’t learn, because they are too focused on fear.

We often wonder why our education system is failing our children. We wonder why kids drop out of school. We wonder why bullying seemingly continues unchecked and drug and alcohol issues occur in the schoolyard – why there is school violence. Events like these are part of the problem. Teachers are human beings and are prone to the lacks and failings of the human condition; however, they chose to be teachers. I hold parents to the same standards. Teachers have to hold themselves accountable for everything they teach their students, not just what is in the books.

It behooves us, as teachers to our children and to the children of evolving generations, to realize what we are teaching them. Both of these teachers behaved like bullies. In both situations, neither may see it. For the first teacher, she was just teaching her class and had an appropriate example to use as an illustration. For the second situation, she was only trying to protect her students and at first was the rescuer, then became the victim as the truth was revealed. Between the rescuer and the victim is the persecutor, aka, the bully, and when we are supposed to be in positions to help or rescue others, we often don’t see how we may be seen as a bully.

They Had It Comin’

Some may ask, what did these two kids in my examples do beforehand? There has to be something they did to bring this on… I say that it doesn’t matter what they did. As a teacher, it is up to us to take responsibility to understand why people behave as they do and to keep our issues in check as much as we can.  Stop using the excuses, “It was good enough for me.”, or “They had it comin’.”, and know that there is a further potential. Know that our kids deserve better, and we do too. It takes courage to change and to admit responsibility. Maybe some teachers, including ourselves, need to go back to school to become students of the human soul.

I remember when “they” was a wide-eyed young child who enjoyed life, loved to learn and laugh, and now “they” is evolving into someone who feels afraid to smile and quits before they can fail. I sent a letter to the teacher and her supervisors, and I asked her to say the following to the entire class. “Yesterday I made a mistake. In my attempts to use humor to teach you all, I used a student’s behavior to exemplify a vocabulary word that could have felt demeaning to that student. That was not fair to that student or to you. In an environment that should create a sense of empowerment and learning, I recognize that this did not, and I apologize to you all for that.” Did she follow through with the suggestion? Not yet, but at least one student felt wounded. And while there are many wonderful teachers out there, countless students continue to be harmed everyday by those we entrust with their education. What did the school do in both situations? Nothing to take responsibility for either situation. What are we teaching our kids about trust, truth, safety and life?

Resepectfully,

Dr. E…

www.DrEPresents.com

Kudos to the British and their Advertising Standards Agency. Recently they banned make-up ads from Uber-star Julia Roberts and Uber-model Christy Turlington due to excessive use of digital manipulation. The claim was that this was basically false advertising for the product they were pitching with their photos. You may be wondering why am I talking about this on a Family blog? Because this issue of how ads are manipulated affects us all, especially our kids.

Have you ever noticed how Elmo always looks a little better in print — a little thinner, a little more buff and cut in the chest and abs??? It’s the digital airbrush.  Well, not really, but almost every picture you may see in print has been manipulated in some form, and the images that your kids see influence the way they see themselves.

Issues with body image, that are precursors to Eating Disorders, develop earlier than you think. In my dissertation 20 years ago, I looked at how kids from 6^th grade through college were comparing various body sites, and found that in both boys and girls there were already very defined ways that they were comparing their bodies, even in 6^th grade. I firmly believe that body image awareness begins in the preschool years, and the ability for it to morph into problematic issues from anxiety, depression, low self-esteem and other related issues is significant.

Catch the Wave

Your kids are inundated with images everyday, and the degree to which these images are valid representations of the human form will subtly and obviously affect how they view the world and themselves as they grow up. Some of you may feel that banning ads such as those in Britain is absolutely overblown and a violation of rights. While this was seen as a truth in advertising issue, it is a psychological health issue as well. To many kids and adults, they may not think twice about these ads. To others, they may bring up intense feelings of inadequacy and self-hatred. The fact that we accept these images as acceptable is a sign of our numbness to the alternate realities that are created by the media and advertising.

I remember when doing my graduate research that I felt that surely in 20 years, our society would grow beyond this obsession with our bodies and appearance. I was teaching about airbrushing, and the degree of eating disorders in the modeling industry, and I taught about the excessive pursuit of the male stereotype in body builders. I had believed that we would educate our kids and ourselves about how to feel better from the inside out, but instead, the problems have become worse, in some ways, and not only do young women have to look fit and thin, but even older women are still focused on the same pursuit of physical perfection at the cost of their self-esteem. Just look at the rate of plastic surgeries on everything from facelifts to calf implants, and the age range on these procedures is widening.

Jump on the Bandwagon Guys

Men and boys are not immune to these issues. Their physique is just focused more on muscular aspects. Realize how the images that they see sell a muscular body that is often unachieveable through reasonable means. Even men are going under the knife for various plastic procedures, including pectoral implants.

Imagine if we took the time energy and funds we spend on the way we look outside and focused it on improving our inner beauty? Don’t stay numb to these cultural phenomena that are influencing our kids. Let’s get real.

Respectfully,

Dr. E…

www,DrEPresents.com

Happy Mothers Day to all of you single moms out there. I have a new appreciation for all it takes to be a single working parent with all of the strappings of taking care of the home and other responsibilities. I salute you all who give their best to their kids and keep up with these countless tasks and responsibilities.

This past week, my wife went to Ireland, and it was just my daughter and I with our two dogs. Now this is not the first time I have had time with my daughter with my wife traveling, but this particular week took the cake. It was a very busy work week for me, and my daughter does get stressed when either of us leave town, so her behavior can be an issue. Well after a nice weekend together with her, while trying to work in yard work, we started the work week without incident. It was time to go to bed on Monday night, and my 15 year-old dog decided to make a mess on the floor of her bedroom, not just any mess, but it came complete with one nasty smell.  This began what felt like the never-ending nightmare. For some reason, her intestines decided to malfunction to a degree never experienced. So after cleaning two messes up that night, and doing the work I needed to do, I was then awakened at 3am to clean up more. So after what amounted to 3.5 hours of sleep, I was up and running again, getting my daughter up and ready for school and getting on with my day.

When I got home that evening, I had a sitter with her, and when she left, I discovered our dog had graced our Asian rugs with her signature. So instead of spending time with my daughter that I had hoped for, I had to clean up the messes. I then put her to bed, and then had to get back to my work, a two hour conference call, then a little work, then sleep. Then I was back to it the next day. I took my sick dog to the vet and my other dog seemed to get a passive aggressive streak on and decided to grace another one of our Asian rugs while we were out.  Well, my sick dog had done the same earlier, but in the process of being in a rush to clean what I could, I stepped in my other dog’s mess and tracked it through the house. At this point, I want to do things to my dog that I don’t want to admit. I had to get to work, clean up what I could and left, letting my daughter’s sitter know not to go into the family room.

Now that night I had a work function. I did not get home until 11:30, and was too exhausted to clean it up, but still had some work to do.

This week I averaged about 5 hours of sleep per night, and I had to keep going. I also did what I could to spend time with my daughter and missed her very much. I had to consider both the long and short-term when setting my priorities, and even when I had my work function, I felt guilty about going, but knew that the potential for my career was great, which may help me to increase my income and offer us a better life. What I did do was talk to my daughter about what I was doing and why, and I let her know how I felt about her. I also apologized for the situation, and she was coloring during one of our talks. She stopped, looked up at me, smiled and said,
“Daddy, I love you.” That made it all worth it.

So this was a snap shot of my week. Now, this week was the perfect storm, but what it gave me the awareness of was that this was just one week. My wife came back from Ireland tonight. My experience got me thinking of what if I was a single parent all of the time, and with Mothers’ Day here, gave me a new appreciation for single moms and what is involved in parenting children, working, and/or going to school, paying the bills, shopping, taking care of sick or special needs kids… and the list goes on.

Moms take some time to recognize what you do and honor yourself, and if you know a single mom, let her know you appreciate her efforts. Know that your kids likely will not understand your efforts for some time. Be careful not to play the martyr. This sends a message of conditional love. Just take the time to love yourself a little more and know that you are doing the best for your kids that you know how. And know that there are others out there who know what you do, and how difficult it is to find the perfect balance.

Happy Mothers’Day.

Dr. E…

www.DrEPresents.com

I had the pleasure and honor of being part of a television panel on bullying a few weeks ago and left there feeling frustrated, as well as even more fired up that I have an important message to deliver. This show was on a Christian television station, and the motive was to bring more attention to the issue of bullying, the suicides that result from it, and what we can do, as a community, to make a difference.

There were many great discussions on the show, and I felt inspired by a mother, whose son was tragically killed by bullies, who took the energy of her grief and turned it into developing a program aimed at education. Both her courage and her insight are a testament to what we can do when faced with challenges in life. To stay silent, would have missed an opportunity to share her pain and wisdom with others who could be helped.

I have written quite a bit on the subject of bullying, and believe that I see the answers to change this epidemic. Part of that solution is parenting with wisdom and patience, not parenting with control and fear. The most troubling aspect of the bullying epidemic is that those who are in a position to effect changes may be blind to their contribution to the issues. Yes, that means you Mom and Dad.

On this panel was another psychologist, with all due respect to him, who near the end of the discussion stated that he was “old school” and believed in the idea of “spare the rod and spoil the child”. This phrase has been uttered numerous times to me over the years, especially from parents in my work who feel frustrated by their kids’ disrespectful behavior. However, depending on where the emphasis is placed, this can have two totally different meanings – either spare the rod and you will end up with a spoiled child, or don’t spank your child, but love them unconditionally instead, i.e., spoil them with love instead. When there is ambiguity to things that are stated, much can become of interpretation.

Spare Me…

Many people attribute the phrase “spare the rod and spoil the child” to the Bible, but in my research, this is not a quote from the Bible. There are discussions of what was referred to in the Old Testament in Proverbs about child discipline (Prov 13:24: “He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes (diligently).”), however, historically, it is believed that Solomon compiled the book of Proverbs from stories and verses of teachers and “wise men” in his day. Furthermore, many of the comments in Proverbs supported his views of punishment. In fact when his son, Rehoboam, whom Solomon punished in a similar manner to what is in Proverbs, grew up and ruled over his kingdom, he had little regard for others welfare and was almost overthrown due to his brutality, as many of today’s dictators are finding.

After the show ended, I did not want to let his comment go and continued the discussion off the air with the panel. I stated that what his comment allowed was for some parents to interpret the comment that it is okay for them to beat their kids. When we furthered this discussion, he stated that it is not what he meant, but I commented that is what he said. I further commented that he knows how this phrase is interpreted by many and without further explanation by him, he could not manage how others interpreted his comment. He then stated that the “rod of discipline” is what he intended. I said again, “That is not what you said.” When asked further about the “rod of discipline”, he could not fully explain what he meant (granted, time was short).

Discipline This…

So let’s discuss the word discipline. Many people equate the word discipline with punishment. The root of the word “discipline” is disciple. The word disciple means to teach. Teaching comes with boundaries, limits and goals, and as a teacher, I know that people do not learn very well in a state of fear. They may learn to avoid, but they do not learn concepts as well as they do when they feel involved and empowered. Here is another point to consider, how many times did it take for you to try to tie your shoes before you could tie them with your eyes closed? – Probably about 100 times and likely more. As humans, we are meant to learn over time and repetition is important. Consider the disciples, they had the benefit of travelling around with Christ from town to town and hearing his message over and over, learning through repetition. Do you think that Jesus grilled the disciples and spanked them if they could not recite what he was teaching? They did not just hear his message once, and still they each had their own interpretation.  Some would comment that Jesus was not a parent, “He didn’t raise my kid.” I would say, he is a parent, and in all that he taught, how did he do it? Didn’t he lead by example?

Allow your children to learn by absorbing knowledge through experience and repetition. It is true that some lessons (not playing near the street, not taking drugs or getting into household chemicals…) are survival-based and need to be learned quickly. For those lessons, prepare them for them and discuss risks in advance, while doing what you can to prevent them from being exposed to these situations too early in life.

Old School vs. the New School

Here is something that I take into consideration. Proverbs is Old Testament. Historically, what did Jesus teach, and why is it said that he came? –  to correct the misunderstandings of those who had mis-taught “God’s word”? “For the Son of Man has come to save that which was lost” Mat 18:11. I think I can sum up how New Testament parenting would look: “Do unto others what you would have them do to you” Mat 7-12. This IS a quote from the Bible, and this message, in various forms, transcends many religions and teachings. As a psychologist, this single phrase sums up healthy human interactions. As Bill and Ted said in their “Excellent Adventure”, “Be excellent to each other.”

It is important to look at our emotions that influence our parenting and often fear and then anger become the most prevalent emotions experienced in times of distress. We often resort back to our own experiences and also believe that quick consequences that evoke pain should result in lasting change. Too many times in life, we want to call on what we learned that seems convenient to us, rather than what is in our and others highest good.

There are plenty of quotes from the Old Testament in the Bible that one can call on to support physically abusive consequences for their children’s behavior and that of a punishing God. I just don’t believe that physical punishment was taught in the New Testament, neither was being a totally permissive parent with no boundaries. Of course physical punishment is a relative term in the mind of many, but in my years as a parent of a very strong-willed child, I can say that I have never used spanking or yelling as a consequence. I have used restraint to manage her outbursts, time-outs, a stern voice to get her attention, counting techniques, removal of privileges, restriction and other techniques, discussion of her behaviors, but the most important tools that my wife and I use are consistency and follow-through.

Don’t you think that parents could be seen by their child as their first bully? Think about it. It will take time to change a generation, but the first step may be to change within your self.

Respectfully,

Dr. E…

www.drepresents.com

I had intended my last post to be a one part blog on children and grief, but my daughter amazed me with how she worked through her grief, and I felt compelled to share her innate wisdom. As I said, in my last post, kids express grief in different ways and may not show at all in ways that we would expect. So here is how she seemed to work through her grief of the loss of my Dad at the age of five.

My wife and daughter and I were doing our Saturday morning thing and taking it easy. She was playing with her dolls and pushing a shopping cart around, and then out of the blue she said, “Hey Daddy, I am going to get on a plane and visit Big Daddy in the hospital in Arizona.”

I said, Grace, he is not there any more. That is where I went to see him before he died.”

Then she said, “No, Daddy, I am going to play like I am going to visit him in the hospital. Come here. Come here, and lay on the couch. You can be him in the hospital.”

I said, “Okay.” My wife and I looked at each other, and I went with it. So I lay on the couch with my eyes closed, and I said, “Grace, this is how Big Daddy looked when I got to the hospital. His eyes were closed, and it looked like he was resting. When I came in, he moved his head, so I knew he knew I was there.”

She came up and gave “Big Daddy” some of her pets and said, “I am sorry that you are going to die Big Daddy. I wish I could help you, but I can’t. I love you Big Daddy. Here are some of my pets to take care of you.”

After she said this, I said “I know you want to help me Grace, and I know that you love me. I will always be around you, no matter where you are, and I will love you even when I am not here. I feel so happy that I got to know you, and I will look forward to seeing who you become, as I watch over you. I will always feel proud to be your Big Daddy.”

So we played these roles for a little bit more. She gave me, in the role of “Big Daddy”, a hug, and I gave her one back, and she wanted Big Daddy to have her pets after he died so he would not be alone. My wife and I said that he will be with his Mommy and Daddy, my brother, and pets that we had that died before him. He would not be alone at all. About five minutes later, she was on to the next thing, and we moved on. I let her decide when we were done. This was not for me or about me, but was an honor to be a part of this healing moment.

Since that exchange and “play” that we did, she has seemed more at peace with the situation. There are still some issues at school, but some of these issues are the virtue of Grace being Grace. I still check in with her, and I know that she is going to be okay. What I feel happened was that she was not ready to talk about it in “adult terms”, and needed time to work it through her way.

It would have been very easy, from our part as parents, to get caught in our discomfort and grief and shut her down, but we didn’t. I saw her incredible wisdom, that she needed a moment to say goodbye in her way. I also saw her desire to wish that she could have helped him in some way, and I was in the position to set her free from this and continue their relationship in an unspoken way. He will always be around her. Not to judge her, but to support her and love her unconditionally. I know that that is how he would have wanted it, and maybe in that time, I channeled my Big Daddy and what he wanted to say to her if he could have.

With respect,

Dr. E…

www.DrEPresents.com

A few weeks ago my Father, aka Big Daddy, “graduated from the school of life with honors”, as I refer to it. He was quietly a remarkable man who raised four successful kids, surviving the death of his oldest son 36 years ago, and continuing to live with honor, dignity and integrity. After living with Cancer for 13 years and having a few health scares over that time, my family and I were somewhat prepared for his mortality, and when his body was too tired from his long and graceful fight, we knew it was time for him to go.

We each will experience our grieving process, as adults, but what about our kids? While there are certain expected phases to the grieving process: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance, not everyone will go through this process the same way, and the duration of this process will vary. Kids also experience grief, however, the way they experience emotions will likely not be the same way you do.

Acknowledging the Truth

My daughter is a precocious five year-old in some ways and in other ways all of five years old. When I knew I had to leave to try to see my Dad before he “graduated from life” I told my daughter, with tears in my eyes, that Bid Daddy was sick and may not live through this, knowing that she would not fully understand. When I was trying to tell her about “Big Daddy”, she understood that something not good was going on, and she was trying to change the subject, kept turning away, and then grabbed my face to try to make me laugh. It was clear that she was feeling upset, and my daughter does not like to cry. Instead, she will do things to distract, be funny, change the subject… It is very important to know how your child responds to emotions and to not expect them to behave like you do.

After my Dad’s death, I had hoped to be able to come home from Tucson and talk with her together with my wife about what happened, but because of some family events that occurred my wife had to tell her. That was okay with me, as life often happens when you are making plans, and my wife did a masterful job with this discussion. Sometimes in life, things don’t happen as we want them to and you may have to make do with what you have. Don’t expect to be able to control what happens or to control how your child behaves, especially when it comes to the death of loved one.

When I came back home, we talked. I asked her how she was feeling and she said she felt sad, she then asked, “What happened?” I told her that Big Daddy had been sick for a while, and his body was tired and it wore out. He lived a long life and we would always have our memories. I said that Mommy and I were not sick and expected to be here for her through the years, but I stopped short of making promises I know I couldn’t keep. Over the past few weeks, we continue to ask how she is feeling about Big Daddy about every third day, and she often says she feels sad, and I let her know that whatever she is feeling is okay. I want her to know it is okay to talk about the situation and her emotions.

Celebrating A Life

A few days after my Dad died, we, as a family, got together on Skype (for those who could not be there), ate pizza together and told funny and heart-warming stories about my Dad. My daughter was part of that. I wanted her to tell stories about the things that they did and see that when someone moves on in life, we can celebrate their life and each determine how they are remembered. We all laughed together and celebrated his life and our lives with him, instead of his death. One can argue that this was easy for us, because my Dad lived a long full life, but I can also say that when I was eight and my brother died, we all did the same thing with his friends, which made some very difficult days easier to handle. For me, no matter how long or short a life is, I feel blessed to have been graced with that person’s presence. I want my daughter to also be exposed to that view, as well as honoring the views of others.

What I also told her is that Big Daddy will always be around us and in our hearts and memories. We won’t have to use the phone to talk to him either. We may not be able to hear his answers, but know that he is listening to us. My daughter also never ceases to amaze me. The other day we were talking to my Mom on the phone, and Grace was there and says to my Mom, “Mumsy I’m sorry that Big Daddy died. We miss him a lot. He was a very very special special man to your son.” My wife and I looked at each other and picked each other’s jaws off the floor and saw even deeper into her brilliant little soul. And last night at dinner she commented in her dinner prayer about Big Daddy. Sometimes your kids will have some of the most profound words of wisdom. Listen and acknowledge them. Don’t dismiss these moments.

The Emotional Roller Coaster

In the last week, many of those who care for our daughter have noticed her behavior being more distracted and escalating lately. Kids (and adults) often regress emotionally and behaviorally when under stress. This type of behavior is not uncommon, but often when parents are in the middle of their own grief, they miss their child’s behaviors as a symptom of grief as to why their child is misbehaving and punish them, sometimes further squashing their child’s processing of grief.

When we realized this behavioral trend in the last few days, I took another opportunity to ask her how she felt about Big Daddy and if she knew why she was making the choices she was making. She said, once again that she felt sad that Big Daddy died and that was why she was behaving like she was. Almost just as quickly, she changed the subject and wanted to talk about something else. But even then a few minutes later, she wanted my wife to get her dressed for school, seeming to push me away. I still got her dressed, because it was my day to do that, and just as quickly, she moved through that and was off and running. If your kids need to tell you a thousand times that they feel sad, let that be okay. However, if it their behavior continues to get more disruptive and complicated, ask for help from a professional.

The Tip Sheet

• It is important after a death to re-establish structure and stability. Kids respond much better to this. If everyone’s world falls apart and there is no structure, this can feel scary to kids and they may act up even more.
• Know that your children’s reactions are often not because of you. You are still responsible for your actions. Don’t blame your and their actions on others, but help them understand that grief may be a reason for their behaviors.
• If you do “lose your cool” with your kids regardless of their behavior, take responsibility for it and make efforts to change it.
• When you talk to your kids about their emotions, especially around death, don’t expect them to answer you when you want or how you want.
• Know that your kids are having a hard time understanding their emotions and what death means to them and others.
• Know that your grief is not their grief.
• I feel glad that my daughter saw my tears and knew that I felt sad and felt loss. This is part of being human, but don’t lean on them for emotional support. While it is important that they know how you are feeling, they shouldn’t be expected to take care of you.
• While it is important to keep the memories of that person alive, don’t use that person who has passed as someone who is going to know everything they do and think poorly of them if they misbehave.
• Most importantly, be aware to give your kids and yourself time to process their grief, their way and you your way.

There is an unspoken wisdom to grief. It is a process that allows us to work through transitions in life, and the emotions that we experience are necessary and vital to this process, however we may experience them. My daughter will continue to work through this change in her relationship with her Big Daddy, and I look forward to being there to help her with it. She has already been a great help to me.

Through the grieving process, keep in mind that your child’s soul may be much older and wiser than you think… Listen carefully. I love you Grace. You inspire me.

Respectfully,

Dr. E…, aka Daddy

A bomb exploded on Monday night on MTV, and your teens may have become part of the fallout. The fuse was lit years ago, however. Why didn’t we do anything to disarm this bomb or snip the fuse? All of the signs were there since they were infants, on television, newspapers, magazines in the media, then on the internet, My Space, Facebook, Twitter, their cell phones… This fuse burned across all of these media, through your household and your neighbors’, on the school bus and in the schools… We never looked to see where the fuse was leading, and now look what happened.  Dr. E… on \”Skins\” CNN

The television show, Skins, debuted on Viacom’s MTV on Monday with a viewership of 3.3 million viewers, its highest ratings in the 12-34 y.o. range. Viacom, by the way, is the same company that brings you Dora the Explorer on Nickelodeon. You don’t have to look too far to see the concerns with the show Skins, just watch the trailer; however, I don’t want the focus of this to be the show itself, which is concerning enough; the focus should be on our culture, itself, after all, we may not have lit the fuse, but we allowed it to burn all the way to the bomb itself.

Skins Didn’t Start The Fire

Back in the 80’s, the heavy metal bands Judas Priest and Ozzy Osbourne were implicated in the suicide of teenagers for the lyrics in their music and this was taken to court. What I believed then and believe now is that while these teens and young adults listen to the genre of music, their musical interests were only an indicator of their beliefs, emotions and attitudes. As it pertains to Skins, this show is no more responsible for the sexual attitudes of our kids than heavy metal is for suicide. However, these are further influences that impact our culture and our kids.

Kids from infancy on are exposed to sexual content, whether we realize or not, and as I have discussed before in previous blogs (Elmo Says, Gleeful Discretion, and Your Body Is Not A Disneyland) this exposure contributes to the vernacular of their unspoken language and ours. We all have to see that we have become numb to many of the influences in our culture that became the fuse that led to this bomb. Skin is everywhere and what they have seen on TV and in the media is that sex is power and drugs are an escape. These are very powerful messages indeed, and aren’t we all seeking power in some form?

Money, It’s A Hit

The almighty dollar is also a huge source of power. How much money do we spend on sex, drugs, and rock and roll. The bottom line is people pay for these and watch the shows and the advertising dollars will follow. I have a few questions for Taco Bell, who recently announced that they were pulling out of their sponsorship, “When did they decide to pull their sponsorship of the show, and if they saw the trailers for the show why did they think it was okay to sponsor this show in the first place?

Money makes our media world go around, and with the ferocity of the competition and limited ad dollars being spread around to that many more outlets, realize that you, as a consumer and viewer, have more power than you think. When the money hungry monster isn’t fed, he dies faster and faster these days. If you don’t watch the show, it will not survive. When we allow shows that endorse unhealthy and reckless lifestyles to remain in our media-driven culture, we make it okay and send a message that this behavior is okay to our kids and others.

Freedom, I Won’t Let You Down

Over the past decade, the internet has become more and more of a vehicle for our belief systems and information is shared at an eye-popping speed, and many of our kids have had unprecedented and unsupervised access to it. In addition, cell phones have contributed to another avenue of exposure to life that is also often unsupervised. Like kids in a candy store without supervision, and even sometimes with supervision, many of them ate too much candy that made them sick, and they still have not learned to eat healthy.

We live in a country that values freedom, and some powers of the internet and media work to protect these freedoms that sometimes protect their interests more than ours. As a parent, it is your job to monitor and manage your child’s freedom. I would prefer it not be control. Freedom comes with a price and a responsibility. Use it wisely, and teach your kids to do the same. At this time, we have a lot of work to do.

What’s Love Got To Do With It? It’s NOT A Second-Hand Emotion

Many of the issues our kids are having with sex, drugs and their sexual attitudes are influenced by their concept of love and their attachments and relationships to parents and others. We have serious problems with the strength of our attachments with our kids and sex and drugs often becomes a way that they are reaching out for comfort and escape from pain. Just because we give them everything they want, doesn’t mean they have everything they need. Acting out behaviors, be it sex and/or drug-related are often a sign of deeper issues that go back to love and security. Step back and see what you can do to repair, heal and strengthen the gap between you and your kids.

So what should you, as a parent do about Skins and other more serious bombs that could still explode in our culture?

• Don’t make a big deal about this show and others like it and forbid them to watch it. That may make it more attractive to them. Talk about the concerns and ask them what interests them about it?
• Give your kids more hugs and love. We all need them.
• Sit down with your kids and talk with them about their life, beliefs, and attitudes.
• Don’t lecture, listen.
• Turn off the TV and do more together as a family
• Eat dinner together as a family
• Meet your kids’ friends, boy/girlfriends and their parents
• Watch what your kids are watching with them sometimes and talk about it.
• If your kids are having difficulties that you realize you can’t handle, get help.
• Don’t just complain about what should change in our culture, do something about it.

This isn’t just a game people play. These attitudes and beliefs are a way of life for an emerging generation. There are many more losers than winners, and the results can be tragic. Just like many hair and clothing styles in the past, I hope we wake up one day, look back and say, “What were we thinking???”

Respectfully yours,

Dr. E…

www.DrEPresents.com

This week was an epic event, especially in the southeast. Crippled by a snowstorm that will be remembered for decades to come, life, as we know it was brought to a halt. If you were one of the millions of families that were blessed by “The Snow Storm of 2011” what did you do with the opportunity?

You may be saying, “Opportunity? What the heck is he talking about? I was stuck at home, couldn’t get to work, lost income, got behind on my work, and my kids drove me crazy?” How many times in your life do you have an opportunity to create positive memories with your family that aren’t canned in the wrapping of a holiday or the mouse ears of the amusement park? This week may have had some secondary expenses, but the dividends of the experience and fun that could have come from it may last for years to come.

For me, if I am not seeing clients, I am not getting paid. I don’t get paid time off, and when the snow came, I woke up Monday morning under 5 inches of snow in a county outside Atlanta that owns 9 snow plows. I could have looked at it through the eyes of lost income, or I could have looked at it like a field of untouched, fresh-fallen snow, full of opportunities. I chose the latter. In life, I have had to learn to surrender the idea of control and have learned to accept what comes my way. This seems to be what the “hammer of life” has taught me. Getting caught in worry, stress, and grouchiness of what I want to happen does not create positive memorable experiences.

I allowed the kid inside of me to come out and play with my daughter, and my wife joined us too. On day one, we built the snow castle, complete with a 7 foot high Rapunzel’s tower. During this process, some of the neighbor kids came by to help, and my daughter made new friends. I am just not sure who had more fun? On day two and three, we spent time at neighbors’ house sledding on the run that involved taking part of a fence out between the two yards [What would Robert Frost have to say about this (no pun intended)?] so they could double the length of the sled run, and on day three when the snow turned to ice, it took the cooperation of many to assure the safety of the few luging down the hill.

Perhaps the highlight of this experience was that it brought neighbors together to share in the joy of their kids and themselves, and after the evenings of sledding, we all shared in potluck dinners and caught up as friends. Will life return to normal? Probably, very soon, but who says that is such a good thing. How often in life do we become distracted by what we need, rather than by what we want?

What are your kids really asking for from you, and what do you do when opportunity calls?

Carpe Diem,

Dr. E…

www.DrEPresents.com