If I had a nickel for all of the times that I made myself out to be the victim in school to my parents when I was young… well I wouldn’t be a millionaire, but I would certainly be a “hundredaire”. Whether it was a teacher or peer issue, I was pretty good at presenting my story and eliciting a response from my mom. It was when my parents went to school for the conferences or when she would call the school that often the gig was up. That is not to say that there weren’t situations where there were some injustices, because there were definitely those, but I also learned to use those to my advantage to create doubt about what others at school may be saying. The fact was that I was able to use the threat of the injustice toward me to get her to jump. Now, at the time, I didn’t fully realize that I was doing this, but I see it clearly now. I just wanted to be off the hook and rescued from my emotions, and didn’t like the pressure I felt inside.

How often do situations like mine occur everyday in our schools? If you have followed this series from the start, you know that I have addressed the issues with the schools, now it is time to focus the lens on the parents. There are a few issues that I want to address: one is the degree to which parents jump to their children’s rescue and attack the school and two is the degree to which parents often don’t share the responsibilities for their child’s education with the school.

A Victim, A Victim, My Kingdom for a Victim

I often discuss the issue that I see our culture to be a “victim culture”, meaning that our culture feeds and is fed by people who play the victim role. We give them power, because we let victims often assume no responsibility for their behaviors. As parents, we often feel that we are being a good parent when we protect them from threats, whether they are real or perceived and/or even instigated by your child. In this way, parents feel that their job is to be their child’s rescuer, no matter what. Riding in on the white horse to vanquish the enemy can feel empowering to a parent who wants to feel important and powerful. Many parents would have a hard time admitting to wanting to feel that power, but it does happen, and it takes some courage to recognize this. The problem is when parents approach situations in the school that look like they are shooting first and then asking questions, it undermines the collaborative relationship that can help your child’s education, and sometimes even result in them becoming a target.

What I also often ask parents to look at, when it comes to problems they feel their child is having at school, is what happened when they were in school as kids? Sometimes parents are carrying their own trust issues with them, so when their kids claim that they were treated unfairly, parents are more than prepared to react, because it plays into their own history.

Another issue with parents overreacting to school issues has to do with parents’ sense of guilt. Sometimes parents feel that they are not there when their children need them. Either they are emotionally not available, and/or feel overwhelmed with the demands of life, job, family…, and when they feel that they have not been able to keep their kids safe from “harm”, it can bring out the mama or papa bear in them. While guilt lets us know when we have done something to someone else we need to fix, guilt can also result in us focusing our desire to protect ourselves and those we feel responsible for in the wrong direction with anger and rage.

Teaching Is Your Job

The second issue has to do with the degree to which many parents seem to feel that it is the school’s job to teach their kids. It is true that the expertise of the school faculty is to help provide your child with an education. It is also your job to support that end. One of the biggest challenges is that many parents do not feel skilled at educating their kids, and many times the techniques or ways that their kids are being taught can be difficult for parents to understand at teach at home. For many people when they feel inadequacy or failure, they would often rather not play the game instead of playing the game and losing. Parents are people too, and if we all look honestly at this, this could be part of the motivation why we may not be more involved in our kids’ education. If we are going to model more productive behaviors to our kids, we have to be willing to face our emotions, and even ask for help on how we can understand what are kids are learning. Also, be willing to feel happy that your kids are learning possibly more than you did, because that may open up more opportunities for them.

One of the tendencies of people when we feel failure is also to blame others so that we are off the hook for our emotions (remember the victim wants to be off the hook). This is often why we want to blame the teachers, the school books, the system… Aren’t we then playing the victim? But who is going to rescue our kids, and what are we teaching them. Who inspires your children more than you? You can inspire them to want to be better people, or you can inspire them to believe that they when things get tough, it is someone else’s fault. How much do we see the latter in our culture?

The entitlement that I see from many parents when it comes to their children’s education is not based in a right to demand that the school teach your kids, it comes from a dependency on others to deal with things that they don’t want to and an arrogance that they should be off the hook. Your kids see this and learn from this. As I have said before, “Your kids are always watching.” Know and realize that partnerships often result in better outcomes. No one can win a team sport by themselves. Your child’s education takes a team to win. Become a part of it.

I would like you to consider taking my pledge. Repeat after me (well, you know what I mean). “I, (State your name), love my child enough to make sure that they get the best education that I can help them to receive. It is my hope that they one day will know more than I do, and that I will be the wind that fills their sails to propel them where they want to go to help them grow. I will do my best to advance their education not only in school, but in life. I acknowledge that I am always learning and my child will always be learning. Life is full of opportunities and I will seek to embrace them openly for and with my child.”

Respectfully,

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Our education system is truly in a precarious position, and at this point it seems to be difficult to navigate this ship to safety. For many who love teaching and are good at it, they have demands of teaching to criteria and keeping up with technology, the demands of parents and political pressures. I will address technology further in a later issue of the series.

Are there better ways to teach our children? Absolutely, but even how to teach our children has fallen victim to power struggles. People are battling over their “right” way of teaching, and few want to acknowledge their own “wrongs” for fear of losing power, prestige, and/or status.

If we are all being honest, then we have to admit that there are a certain percentage of teachers and administrators who should not be employed in the profession at all. They may either be burned out, have risen above their skill level, never should have become educators, or changes in technology have left them behind. I believe that some of these individuals know who they are, and they feel terrified that others will figure it out. What people tend to do who feel afraid to be figured out do is often deflect onto others and point out their flaws, rather than look at their own. What I see from my experiences is that this is some of the education that our children are getting.

We have become a society of victims. This is not the first time that I have said this, but I feel it more than ever. When things happen in life that we feel cause us pain, we tend to make it someone else’s fault. For students, it is often the teacher’s fault. For parents, it is often the teachers’ or administrators’ fault. For teachers, it is often the students’ or administrators’ fault. For administrators, it may be the students’, parents’, teachers’ or politicians fault. The tragedy is when we teach our children to not take responsibility for their part in situations. Pointing fingers and making excuses from any of these perspectives does not teach self-respect or respect for others.

Where there are victims, there is little trust, because the only thing that a “victim” can trust is that sooner or later they are going to feel betrayed and/or persecuted again by someone. Is this the school of hard knocks that our children are attending? I feel that we have lost the ability to take responsibility for the part that we play in the problems with our education system, and the problems with our society.

If we are going to improve the education of our children, we all have to see the wisdom in taking responsibility for our part in the problem. As adults, we have to recognize that we are guides and teachers to our children. We have to find the maturity to recognize that there is a problem and seek a solution. We also have to recognize that we may have to look outside ourselves to find the answers, together. Sometimes wisdom is knowing when to seek guidance outside ourselves.

Stay tuned for the Parent Trap.

Respectfully,

Dr. E…

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Welcome back. In this installment, I will address some of the issues that I see in our schools that are a disservice to the students and the almost impossible circumstances that educators are in.

In my 15 years of work as a psychologist, I have been a part of many school interventions. I have sat in on meetings, talked with teachers, administrators, school psychologists, observed in classrooms, provided educational workshops… In those experiences, I have seen some very hard working teachers and administrators who went above and beyond for their students, and also have read between the lines and seen grave injustices that altered life paths of some children and young adults, leaving both the kids and parents almost helpless to do anything about it. In these latter instances, the school justifies their actions often playing both victim and martyr and makes the parents and/or child out to be the persecutors, interfering in their ability to teach others. Usually what was behind these cases were educators who actively manipulated the system to work for them without seeming regard for the children whose lives they were supposed to benefit. Don’t get me wrong, I have also seen cases where parents and children have been able to manipulate the system to their advantage, often with the help of a lawyer and or a cursory knowledge of the laws that were put in place to protect and support their kid’s needs. In either situation, the child loses. Sometimes the most damaging thing a parent can do is to enable their child’s victimization, perceived or actual.

Making the Grade

Education, these days, seems to be more about passing tests than it does learning. This is where many teachers are stuck in the middle, because they get punished for students who don’t perform from the administration, the parents, and the media. How does this motivate a teacher to teach with passion, and how does this motivate intelligent gifted students to want to become teachers?

I also see more and more kids who are only interested in getting the grade than acquiring knowledge, and they just don’t seem to be taught the value of an education. Cheating, in some form is almost the norm, and this “win at all costs” mentality doesn’t advance our culture, but instead leaves us further behind. Are we allergic to hard work? I do feel that this contagious “allergy” is something we need to address as a culture, however, educators and parents can do more to inspire an interest in the learning process instead of focusing on test grades. But how do they do this with the government breathing down their necks threatening to pull dollars away if they don’t jump through their hoops?

The answers to these issues are not easy. We all need to seek solutions, and I hope that we can meaningfully look for resolutions as a country, before our children are left behind.

Stay tuned for Part 3, On the Rocks…

Respectfully,

Dr. E…

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In my 15 years of work as a psychologist, I have been a part of many school interventions. I have sat in on meetings, talked with teachers, administrators, school psychologists, observed in classrooms, provided educational workshops… In those experiences, I have read between the lines and seen grave injustices that altered life paths of some children and young adults, leaving both the kids and parents almost helpless to do anything about it, while the school justifies their actions often playing both victim and martyr.

Usually what was behind cases of injustice were educators and administrators who actively manipulated the system to work for them without seeming regard for the children whose lives they were supposed to benefit — in the name of sacrificing the few to save the many. I have also seen cases where parents and children have been able to manipulate the system to their advantage, often with the help of a lawyer. In either situation, the child loses.

Education, these days, seems to be more about passing tests than it does learning. How does learning to pass a test and being taught how to take the test to pass it serve the long-term interests of the student? This is where many teachers are stuck in the middle, because they get punished for students who don’t perform from the administration, the parents, and the media. How does this motivate a teacher to teach with passion, and how does this motivate intelligent gifted students to want to become teachers?

I also see more and more kids who are only interested in getting the grade rather than acquiring knowledge, and they just don’t seem to be taught the value of an education in helping them succeed in life. Cheating, in some form or another is almost the norm, in some populations,  and this “win at all costs” mentality doesn’t advance our culture, but instead leaves us further behind.

Are we allergic to hard work? I do feel that that is something we need to address as a culture, and, educators can do more to inspire an interest in the learning process instead of focusing on test grades. But how do they do this with the government breathing down their necks, threatening to pull dollars away if they don’t jump through their hoops. Parents also need to realize that they are key to fostering a healthier mentality toward how our kids look at learning.

Our education system is truly in a precarious position, and at this point it seems to be a no win for everyone. I realize that the issue, as I present it, may be oversimplified, but I do hope to stimulate discussion.

Are there better ways to teach our children? Absolutely, but even how to teach our children has fallen victim to power struggles. People are battling over their “right” way of teaching and few want to acknowledge their own “wrongs” for fear of losing power, prestige, and/or status.

If we are all being honest, then we have to admit that there are a certain percentage of teachers and administrators who should not be employed in the profession at all. They either are burned out, rose above their skill level, never should have become educators, and/or changes in technology have left them behind. I believe that many of these know who they are, and many feel terrified that others will figure it out. What people tend to do who feel afraid to be figured out is deflect onto others and point out their flaws, rather than look at their own. This seems to be the education that our children are getting, and the epidemic permeates our culture from the top, down.

We have become a society of victims. This is not the first time that I have said this, but I feel it more than ever. While I am not a supporter or direct critic of either political party, I see a president who models accountability and responsibility, and he seems to be getting slammed at every turn. Where there are victims, there is little trust, because the only thing that a “victim” can trust is that sooner or later they are going to feel betrayed and/or persecuted again by someone. Is this the school that our children are attending?

The question I want to really ask is, “How do we help our kids to feel empowered to want to learn rather than feel like they have to?”

Respectfully,

Dr. E…

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It is a tough job to be an educator these days. There are demands from all angles. An educator is supposed to insure that certain educational standards are met, make sure that their students are learning what is necessary for students to pass certain state-mandated tests, increase test performance on other standardized tests, keep upwards of 30 students in line, satisfy their administrators, deal with parents, keep up with grading papers, tests, and completing lesson plans… oh, and did I forget that they have lives and families of their own? The list is long and exhausting, and the job can feel thankless.

I believe, as many of is do, that being a teacher is one of the most important jobs that exists in our world, and teachers are still grossly underpaid, proportional to their true value to our culture. It is a job that, to be successful, one has to have passion, creativity, structure, patience, intelligence, wisdom – traits that are difficult to maintain in a challenging environment. I believe that there is a huge price that we pay, collectively for undervaluing our education system and those that teach our children.

Too many times today school personnel spend more waking hours with children than many parents do. That puts them in a very powerful role when it comes to shaping children and their perspectives on life. Many kids have challenging homes that they come from. There may be physical or sexual abuse, drug use, overwhelmed parents, erratic parenting, or even lack of parenting and the list goes on…

When kids misbehave, there can be any number of reasons why. I know that there are many teachers and administrators out there who have the best interests of the student at heart and are trying to do all they can to make the lives of children better. This blog series is not about them. It is about the teachers and administrators who see disruptive children as a problem to be expunged from the school, and those who hide and mask the issues and misbehaviors of themselves and/or others in the system. What is most difficult is that there are often layers of protection for those who manage the education system, but little protection for those who are supposed to benefit the most, the students.

This series will also address the seeming sense of entitlement that many parents have that demand higher and higher levels of performance in their children, but do little to help them at home. They shake their grade cards at teachers and administrators and sometimes never check their kids homework. I hope you will stay tuned to read and participate in this discussion.

Respectfully,

Dr. E…

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And a Happy New Year to you all. I was thinking how I could start off a new decade on my blog. I then thought that a picture is worth a thousand words, and what better way to paint a picture with words than with a poem. I wrote this poem long before my daughter was born, and I believe that this poem still describes my vision of parenting and what I want for all children. I hope you will take a look and listen deep inside.

And without further ado…

Inquisitively approaching his mother the child asks,

“Mommy, where did I come from?”

Nervously searching for an explanation that would satisfy the child,

She questions herself and her memories of old.

She envisions the gangly bird carrying the child and remembers…

How foolish she felt so few years later

That she had believed her parents,

And questioned why such a story had been manufactured.

What purpose did this tale serve to engender trust and understanding

In the mind of The Child?

For The Child would only discover,

As she and many others had before her,

That it was just a story created to quiet The Inquisitive Child,

Not to answer the question.

A tale that hides the invisible embarrassment and flush of feelings,

Sending the message that the truth is better not discussed,

When it is shrouded in emotion,

But left to discover through other less informed sources,

Often in a hostile environment of Ignorance and Mistrust.

Innocent as the creation of this tale was,

Its intention was to soothe The Unquiet Child.

But The Unquiet Child often lay inside the parent,

While The Inquisitive Child stands before them.

The story of the bird spread through the land,

Bringing a sense of relief to those who searched for easy answers.

But isn’t it The Child,

Who searches for truth and trust?

Who was requesting the easy answer?

Many a child has erected a formidable tower of blocks,

Only to learn the harsh lessons of gravity.

She continued to question her own understanding of her creation.

She recognized the union of the two in creating the one,

But also recognized her deeper sense of unrest inside,

That questioned and searched for more beyond the veil of the body.

As she looked into The Child’s eyes,

She saw the glimmer of wonder in his eyes

That had been extinguished in hers long ago

By many easy answers

That doused the flame of wonder and fascination.

She then recognized the awesome power she held before her.

For she could continue to fan the flame glimmering in his eye,

Or extinguish it with careless breaths.

But to continue to let the inner flame burn

May make him an outcast in a world without fire.

If we were all brought to this world carrying the flame,

It may not have been meant to be extinguished.

She recognizes it is not her decision to make for this child,

For he is his alive and has his own voice.

As her thoughts settled down in the blink of an eye,

The answer seemed to come from a sparking ember within.

With her rekindled sense of awareness she replied,

“You came to us from a bond of love.

Beyond that I do not know,

But I will look forward to the day when you can tell me the answer,

Because I know it lies within.”

September, 1995

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I have had some great feedback after my last post, Do You Believe in Santa regarding teaching your children trust and how Santa could undermine that. What I also discussed was that the intention of the Santa myth embodies giving selflessly, from the heart, without expectation of return. It has nothing to do with naughty or nice or breaking the bank on the latest toys. When do our kids learn giving from the heart if they are only on the receiving side of Santa?

We teach our kids to give gifts to other family members, and they often learn that you do that because that is what you are supposed to do, but these gifts are often given in exchange of gifts given to them. What I would like to talk about is giving selflessly to people in need and teaching your child the same.

Every year for the past seven or eight years, my wife and I have picked up a Christmas wish list for children who are in foster care from the local Department of Children and Family Services. Through my career, I have worked with many children who have been in foster care, and see how much love these kids need. Since my daughter was born, we have continued that, and as she has gotten older, we have talked with her about helping a little girl or boy have a merrier Christmas that does not live with their family. We talk about our good fortune and that we feel blessed for what we have and we want to spread that around. We also talk about some of the challenges that people have, and it is important to help others.

This year, when we talked with my daughter about helping a little girl out with Christmas who did not live with her own family, she asked if the girl we were providing Christmas gifts for could live with us. My wife and I both looked at each other with that “Wow” look, and while we knew she did not fully understand what that would mean, we felt proud of her willingness to open her heart to someone in need. I talked to her about what it means to live with a foster family and that she was safe and taken care of with the foster family. We wanted to help her to have a happier Christmas and get her some things that she needed.

We take my daughter out to shop for the foster children and also have her help wrap the presents. We want her to feel included in this process and want her truly feel the Spirit of Santa in her heart. As she grows older, we will have her continue to become more involved. I will never demand that my daughter gives to others at Christmas or on any occasion. I do hope that she sees the example that we have set and will follow that example and take it even further in her own life.

If you don’t do this already, I would encourage you to start a new holiday tradition this year or next. I would also encourage you to see that many kids in foster care need love every day. There are plenty of ways that you can help. I encourage you to contact your local foster care organizations to see how you can make a difference not only your child’s life, but in the lives of others.

Happy Holidays…

Dr. E…

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Are the visions of Sugar Plums dancing in your head yet, or just nightmares of your credit card debt? In all seriousness, I want to take this time to have you ask yourself a question, “Do you believe in Santa?” Most of us by now have realized that Santa Claus, as a living person, on this earth, who lives at the North Pole with his elves and visits millions and millions of homes all in one night, providing billions of dollars in toys to children across the world and yet has no seeming source of income, is a fictional character. If I just burst your bubble, I am deeply sorry.

The Gospel Truth?

What I want to talk about is the fact that we continue to urge, prompt, and sometimes demand that our children believe in a story that is not based in truth. We teach our children to believe in what we say and to trust us. When they tell us stories and fibs, we often challenge them when their stories don’t add up, and they may even have consequences for those stories. On the other hand, we want them to have fun being children and experience the joys of childhood, so we believe that we are entitled in the name of “tradition” to make stories like Santa and the Easter Bunny the Gospel Truth that we hold secret like fraternity and sorority ritual until the mystical “right of passage” occurs and/or until the gifts get too expensive. Then, after we let them know, we make it their job to keep the secret from other siblings or younger kids.

But why do the joys of a child’s Christmas have to be based in a fabrication? The risk is, what happens when our children find out that what we told them was a lie? Yes, I said it – a lie!  We often excuse ourselves, and tell them that it was to make Christmas more enjoyable for them.

If you can’t tell, I was one of those kids who felt totally betrayed when I found out about Santa, and I felt foolish for believing in something that I knew better than to believe, deep down inside. The result for so many kids, as they grow up, is that they question almost everything, and sometimes don’t know what and who to trust. I call this the “Santa Claus Syndrome”, and I believe that this is part of our epidemic of mistrust.

…Is Paved with Good Intentions…

Here is the way I see it. On one hand, Santa Claus, as he is presented, teaches children to expect to be given material things with no limit. Our kids make their lists and go tell this guy in a red suit, in the very places that we buy these items, what they want for Christmas, and they expect to get it. On the other hand, if they don’t get what they requested, then they sometimes believe that there must be something wrong with them and/or they are bad kids. Just ask a foster child or disadvantaged child how they felt when they may not have received anything from Santa. Even some songs about Santa tell kids that if they don’t behave, they may not get anything. And just what is up with the Elf on the Shelf who watches over your kids to make sure they are behaving? Do they then learn to behave only as long as they feel afraid to lose something that they want?

Santa has become the poster child of Christmas’ commercialism, and he encourages us to spend more than we sometimes should to make our children happy, and then we wonder why they want more. You can’t buy happiness. I believe that the idea of Santa and the various stories around the world of similar characters were created to teach unconditional love and to give a gift freely without the expectation of return. That is a wonderful message, and I teach my daughter those ideals values.

Dr. Scrooge???

So now you may be thinking, “Wow, Dr. E… has some issues. Perhaps he should be called Dr. Scrooge!” Let me help clarify this issue. I teach my 4 year-old daughter about the Spirit of Santa Claus. This spirit lives in all of us. It comes from our heart and is a gift from our creator. When we see Santa Clauses in various settings I tell her that is a guy dressed up like Santa, and she understands. When we watch Television specials about Santa, I tell her that these are stories to teach people about giving, sharing and loving unconditionally, and that is what Christmas is intended to be, IMHO.

I say that there are many stories in life that are written to teach us all how to live better lives and make better choices. I also have let her know that I will always tell her the truth about things. I never want her to question her trust in me, and I want her to believe in an unconditionally loving Creator who brought us all into being, and I want her to know that this world is a gift to us all. I also look forward to her continued spiritual exploration.

Here is my double bind. I don’t want my family to be seen as social pariahs for explaining Santa as we do, and it is priceless that my daughter has my trust. I personally don’t feel that the ends of how we do Santa justify the means. Do I see my daughter enjoying this season of Christmas? Yes I do. Will she get her gift from the Spirit of Santa? Yes, every year, because one never grows out of the Spirit of Santa. It is always within us.

Am I asking you to tell your kids what I tell my daughter? No. Would I like you to consider what you do tell them and why? Absolutely. My greatest Christmas wish is that we all remember what Christmas is about.

Happy Holidays,

Dr. E…

For another view of Christmas and finance stress, I would encourage you to check out ‘Twas the Sale Before Christmas.

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I was at the park the other day with my daughter and overheard a conversation between a mother and daughter. Now please understand that I do not make a habit of listening in on other’s conversations. The problem was that this mother was sitting back to back from me, and she was talking a little loudly to her daughter.

Well, here’s the set up. There were two 12 year-old girls playing on a piece of playground equipment that spins around and the kids hold on. The four year-old daughter was asking her mother if she could play on this equipment with the older girls. The mother then said, “They are much bigger than you, and if you get on that with them you are going to fall off. If you fall off and get hurt and start crying, I’m not going to come over their to help you. And if you get hurt, I’m going to say, I told you so.”

So, what did the little girl do? She slumped down next to her mom, and gave up. I wanted to open my mouth and ask this mother, “Did you hear what you just told your child? Do you know how that will influence her desire to try new things? Did you see her sink down and give up? What were you thinking?” I didn’t say anything, because my other thought was that if I say something to the mother, given what I saw, she will probably leave in a huff and then her daughter will probably hear about how much she humiliated her when that strange man commented about her daughter’s behavior.

I realize that I do not have all the information to make a sound judgment on this situation, but what I do know is that what parents say to their children goes straight to their self-image, especially at that age. I view my daughter as a priceless diamond, and everything I say and do with her is like another facet cut into that diamond. I understand that this mother may have been told the same thing when she was growing up, because I know she wasn’t the first parent to say this to their child, and we often treat our kids the same way we were treated.

I think that I feel like I have just had enough. I can’t keep quiet any longer. We, as parents, have to realize our power that we have in the eyes of our children. We have to realize that our kids don’t know our history or pain, hurt or betrayal. They love us in all of our humanness, and it is up to us to help them feel empowered, to help them realize risks and pursue the ones that they feel worth taking when looking at the options and safety considerations, while being willing to pick up the pieces when they fall.

So you may be thinking, “This little girl could get really hurt with those bigger girls. What are you thinking Dr. E…?” Well, let’s look at an option that the mother could have suggested. She could have said, “I feel concerned that if you go over and jump on that spinning wheel you could get hurt with the bigger girls on it. How about if you asked the girls if you could play on that with them, and would they go slow enough so that you wouldn’t fall off. If you would like me to go over there with you to help you, I will.” The suggestion? Be willing to work with your kids to find workable solutions. The girls may have said, “No.” Or they may have said, “Sure, we would love for you to play with us. Thanks for asking.” You won’t know unless you try.

The lesson? Encourage your child to engage in the world with wisdom. Let them know that you love them and support them in their endeavors, successes or perceived failures. They don’t deserve to hear “I told you so!” Remember, failure let’s you know when it is time to learn.

Respectfully,

Dr. E…

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In the past month, the newspapers, magazines and sports and news shows covered the video taken of a University of New Mexico player taking her aggressions out on other players from the BYU team. Many discussions on sportsmanship and the horridness of this behavior, as well as the idea of a lifetime ban on this player were had in any number of forums. As a culture, when we see these events from the eyes of judgment, we often want to blame the obvious, the person who committed these acts, hoping for swift and severe action, and then we move on. Nothing excuses the behavior of the New Mexico player or the behavior of the other players who instigated and or retaliated to her actions, but what are all the factors that play into these behaviors?

Same “Stuff” Different Day

Well, just when you thought it was safe to go back out on the soccer field, there are other situations of violence between female athletes presenting themselves. I have addressed issues of youth sports in a previous article http://thefatherlife.com/mag/author/efisher/ , but the event I will discuss hits a little close to home, no pun intended. I provide the details to demonstrate the continuous and almost premeditated nature of the violence in youth sports, and girls are no longer immune. This is not just a response in the heat of battle.

My niece plays on a traveling soccer team for high school girls in the San Antonio area. During her game in San Antonio this past weekend, members of the other team became aggressive, and on various occasions, girls from the other team physically assaulted players from my niece’s team. In one situation the player straddled a girl, with her face down, pounded her in the back repeatedly and then pulled her by the pony tail and forcibly and repeatedly slammed her face into the ground. In another situation, another player put one of my niece’s teammates in a headlock and repeatedly punched her in the face. As this continued, other players from my niece’s team came to the aid of their teammate, and a parent from the other team assaulted one of my niece’s teammates. After the Police were called, and the assaulting parent was seen leaving in their car, the referee yelled at the father who called the Police and then told the other team to leave quietly before the Police arrived. After the game was prematurely ended, one of the players from the other team was then heard saying, in a laughing tone, that the referee lost control of the game. During all of these incidents, the coach of the team never did anything to correct the actions of his own players.

The aftermath of this game was that because the game was called before its conclusion, the league awarded the victory and the tournament opportunity to the other team because they were winning at the time that the game was stopped. It is my understanding that only since the parents of my niece’s team contacted the league en masse, the league is now revisiting the situation. While this was caught on video and put on YouTube, thankfully, it was removed. There are so many things that went wrong here. The fact that it happened continues to be a wake up call to all of us. WE ARE OUT OF CONTROL, and our kids are part of the symptom, not the problem!

Where Do I Start?

There are so many issues to address, and I would welcome you to review my previous blog posts that have addressed many pertinent issues http://blogs.parentsociety.com/doctore/category/cultural-issues/ http://blogs.parentsociety.com/doctore/category/cultural-issues/page/2/ http://blogs.parentsociety.com/doctore/category/cultural-issues/page/3/ . Regardless, we have exposed our kids to the media on television, magazines, the internet, and they grow up in a culture that teaches the value of power over others rather than power with others. Many kids believe that it is better to look strong than it is to look good or right. I believe that this is the result of a deterioration in our emotional attachments between parents and children, which has led to the epidemic of arrogance and narcissism.

We have taught that the goal of games and grades is to win at any cost, whether we want to admit it or not. When or if people get caught breaking the rules, they often play the victim role, and there seldom is accountability. Cheating becomes a way of life that can be denied and manipulated to create doubt in the mind of others, and once again, they are off the hook. This has occurred under our watch, but the seeds were sown long before we were kids.

Furthermore, the sensationalistic, media-driven, extreme nature of our culture promotes the idea that we will get more attention if we behave in more extreme ways, and because of this we, and many of our kids, have become desensitized to violence and aggression and other behaviors that lack integrity and self-respect. Just consider how much media attention the New Mexico/BYU college soccer incident received on TV. Does the attention our society gives these acts of aggression make it seem okay to behave this way? Do you still think much of reality TV is a good idea? I also have not even begun to address the issue of bullying here, but covered the general issue and issue of girls and bullying in previous blogs. http://blogs.parentsociety.com/doctore/category/bullying/

Paying the Price

A huge issue to address is that when these aggressive behaviors occur and there is not an immediate and significant consequence, it encourages the same or even more extreme behavior in the future. According to the details presented from my niece, there were no league consequences for the individual or the team. In fact, they were rewarded with advancing to the tournament. Am I saying that there was no provocation by players on my niece’s team? No. It is possible that they may have been better at hiding their behaviors. As an example, if you have seen the videos of the New Mexico/BYU incident, you will notice that the New Mexico player was elbowed in the chest and even grabbed in her shorts before she retaliated on both situations.

It is still not known what all of the behaviors and actions of all the players in the New Mexico/BYU situation were, but we all have to be careful how we determine who the victims, persecutors, and rescuers are. Many times a “good victim” is able to instigate a response out of someone so that they can play the victim and blame the persecutor and either justify retaliation or look to be rescued. This contributes to our environment of mistrust, while it leads others to rush to judgment. Isn’t it often the person who retaliates to what was done to them who gets flagged? But where did it start?

We always have to remember that inside every bully is a wounded victim. Often the acts that “bullies” play out were done to them, and they are just trying to take the power from others that they feel was taken from them. No matter who started the conflict, all involved have responsibility and should be encouraged to take responsibility for what is theirs. Encouraging everyone to see their part empowers the perceived victim.

It’s All in Our Head

What we all need to recognize is that many of these issues that I have discussed are planted in the conscious and subconscious of all of our minds, and they are expressed in all of us, often when we least expect it. To think that our deepest, darkest beliefs and attitudes are not expressed, and/or that they do not exist, is an idea held in ignorance.

My concern is that we watch events on the news and the internet like people stare at car accidents, and so do our kids. We almost feel it is our right to watch these events on the news and the internet, and some feel deprived when they are edited for our own good. I do feel that putting these events on the news is for the ratings and to satisfy our morbid curiosities. Our viral video culture seems to have become a modern day freak show that so many want to become a part of, including our kids. Where has our dignity, self-respect, other-respect and integrity gone, and what have we taught our children? Please realize that I am not blaming any one facet of society or any group, especially parents, but I am holding you responsible for contributing to change. Each factor contributes to this perfect storm of aggression, and we have the power to do something to stop it.

We can say that the nature of sport is aggressive, and there are casualties along the way. There is no excuse for the aggression that is emerging. What I do know is that sport imitates life. What are we then saying about what we are teaching our kids and what they are learning along the way if this is how they are behaving? What tools do we want to give them to then hand down to their children?

Please…Wake up before it is too late.

Respectfully,

Dr. E…

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