Get Slinky

I would like to provide you with a few examples that I have seen in the past two days. My daughter is four years old, and she likes to get on the computer and play on some of the dress-up sites. These sites are geared toward kids who can use the mouse and drag and drop clothing, shoes, jewelry… In other words some are very young kids who are learning to use the computer and may not have proper parent supervision. There are hundreds of these sites on the internet and many of them come with ads attached. The range of characters are from cartoon characters, to fairies, to young girls, teens and adults and actors and actresses. I am very conscious of how many of these characters are portrayed, and while there are many that I don’t allow my daughter to play on, still there are many more that have “Zwinky” ads on there that have many cartoon type girls with cleavage. These ads run on the side of many of these dress-up sites, and I talk to my daughter about these sites and that I don’t want her to feel that she has to look or dress a certain way to get attention.

The second example is related to Eureka a show that I was watching on the SyFy channel. This show is more of a technology-fantasy type show, and in one of the scenes, a woman is proposed to by a man, and in the process of her opening up the ring, she is wearing a tight-fitting tank top. The camera puts the center of the shot on her breasts with the ring to the side. The camera then has to pan up and to the right to focus on her face. What caught my attention to this shot was that the camera had to move so abruptly to the right to refocus on her face that I rewound to see the layout of the shot to really notice how quickly and subtly this was done.

Finally, the most obvious selling of innuendo was on America’s Most Talented. There is a female artist named Maricar, who in one of the shows did her act in a devil’s costume, purposely accentuating her bountiful cleavage. As if her artistry act wasn’t enough, they continued to fit her in to many of the segue shots after that with other contestants and then next to the host at the end of the show.

Dwayne the Bathtub, We’re Dwowning…

These were only three short examples, and I did not cover magazines, news shows, prime time television, kids shows and cartoons, commercials, billboard, advertising, suggestive wording and phrasing, adult-focused internet content (not pornography)… and the list goes on. As we know, sex sells, and often what it is selling has so little to do what the product.

We are inundated in sexual content, and we don’t even realize it. Now please understand, I realize that we are sexual beings, but how early and how much of our lives need to be inundated in sexually suggestive content. Remember, I believe the human body is a work of art, and is something to be appreciated, however, I do feel that there is a difference between appreciating the human body and selling sexual content. We may have become numb to it, but do our kids need to become numb to it also, and at what cost to them? If these patterns in our society are going to change, we have to choose to stop buying.

Up next… Part 7, The Dying Breed

Respectfully,
Dr. E…

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I just finished the open audition for Your OWN Show and found it to be a very interesting experience. Mark Burnett (reality show guru) and Oprah Winfrey developed a reality show to have a competition for a talk show that a “Winner” of the competition would host on the Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN).

I am not much of a purveyor of many reality shows (I do like my American Idol and So You Think You Can Dance), and never saw myself involved in one, but the opportunity to “win” a talk show on the Oprah Winfrey Network seemed to be too big an opportunity to pass up, especially when I have been working on developing my own show for the past year. Apparently that is what about 10,000 or so other people thought too.

I didn’t want to do this audition at first, because I am a more conventional person when it comes to business and have been pitching my show through the more established channels. However, when three separate people told me I should do it and then my Intellectual Properties Attorney said, “You are crazy if you don’t try this.”, I thought I better give it a whirl.

Today, I am never amazed by the number of people who get involved in reality-based shows. So many of us want to be stars, and we often see these opportunities that will bring fame and fortune to be the answers to all of our troubles. Often they are just the beginning of others.

What I loved about the idea of this show was to see so many people who had some really good ideas, and those with dreams who were willing to put themselves out there. Thousands invested in their dream and saw themselves in their OWN studio on the air, daring to dream big. It seemed that others just wanted to be part of the experience so they could have the memory.

As someone who has worked for years on being in the media to share a message I strongly believe is worth sharing, I have to be honest and say that it felt difficult to see all of those people out there wanting something that I have worked for for so long, who likely have not worked as hard as I have. But I also acknowledge that it is my own ego that had me feeling that I was more deserving than many of my compatriots out there for such an opportunity.

The process began with an application. I spent hours on this and tried to put as much of myself into this as I could. I worked off and on for a week on the application. I found it to be a great exercise to reflect on my life, my goals, and to really help me focus on what I want. The next step was the “big day”, the open call audition at a Kohl’s store in Atlanta (sounds a little cheesy don’t you think).

So, I decided that I wanted to be fresh for the day and got a hotel ten minutes away from the Kohl’s store so that I would be able to maximize sleep and not have to worry about the drive. I had my wife and daughter come along so we could spend the evening together, and they would be part of the memory. I went to bed at 11pm. Little did I know that my brain would wake me up at 2 am, more than two hours before I intended to wake up. So my plan for 5-6 hours of sleep turned into 2 hours of sleep. I got out of bed at 4:15 to get ready and then arrived at 5:15, only to find that there were hundreds of people in line waiting already.

While waiting in line, I struck up some conversations with others to hear their stories—everybody has a story. By 5:45 the line was moving and by 6:45, I was given number 874, and per my number, was supposed to be back between 11 and 12. When I looked behind me, there were still another 400 people in line.  In seeing all of those people in line, I had that internal fear that all of these people are going to take my opportunity away from me (after all, the was MY OWN show). The Reality – it wasn’t my opportunity to be taken.

So I returned for my first round. According to the producer, the 20 others in my group and I each had :30 to 1:30 to pitch our show. I was the only man in my group… hmmm great odds. I heard some great ideas and some that seemed like someone just wanted to be on TV. It came to my time, and I felt that I nailed the pitch. It was as I practiced it: I presented my qualifications as an expert, defined the pain to be healed, presented the solution, remained concise, incorporated humor, and ended with my sound bite, all in less than :90. I saw heads nodding, got the applause, and the producer commented on how well I ended the pitch. I felt that they would have to be crazy not to select me for the next round (100 were people selected for the next round of interviews from the 1200 or so that showed up).

So I celebrated my success and waited for the call. It wasn’t if they were going call me, it was when… I also realized that there were many factors that they may be considering for entertainment purposes for the reality show that were beyond my control. I went home and waited for the call. My wife, daughter and I had a relaxing evening, and I waited…   and waited…        and waited. I quietly thought, “Are they calling the best first or last?      How could they pass me up?      I am perfect for hosting my OWN show… Oprah is going to love me…  Why are they not calling me?     This competition is rigged…”

I was feeling the resonance of all of my past rejections in my life, and while I wanted to feel cool and calm about it, there was a part of me that felt that I will never get where I want to be—to change this world. “How could they do this to me?” There was also the balanced side of me that realized that there are likely many others just as qualified as me, if not more. I had to also remind myself that this was not my first choice to do this reality show, and I really was not enthused with the idea of being on it in the first place, so why did I feel so upset. I felt like it was a blind date, and my not so attractive date left me with the dinner check.

I packed it in at about 11pm and went to bed. It felt like Christmas came and went, and Santa Claus didn’t show. So I woke up the next day with my Hang“OWN”ver, realizing that one more opportunity to reach my goals of changing this world came and went. One more opportunity to have my hopes, dreams, goals and expectations fulfilled fell to the ground like a Ming vase off of a museum shelf. The feeling felt so familiar to all of the other times in my life when I experienced losses and perceived betrayals. When things like this happen, I have learned to stop and look inside of myself to find these times and places where my emotions emanate from and honor the emotions and memories that came with them. I knew it would take some time to adjust to the “loss”, and continued to remind myself that this opportunity to get my show off the ground wasn’t the way I wanted to do it. So why did I feel the loss that I did?

Well, what I realized was that my Hang”OWN”ver wasn’t that I truly felt badly about feeling rejected by the show. The experience dredged up the emotional resonance of past rejections that I suppressed and did not want to feel. With that realization and my acceptance of my journey, I had rebounded by Sunday night, and I resolved myself to continue to work toward my goals that I had set. The gift of this experience was that it helped me to renew my commitment to myself, my wife and my daughter, appreciate my practice with my clients who have taught me so much, and reinforce my goal to continue to work toward my show. It is me who chooses how long I stay down and when I choose to get up.

If there is one thing that I have had to learn is that life is what happens when you are making plans. I will refer you a blog I wrote last year, Reach for the Stars and Land on Uranus. I look forward to what the Universe has in store for me. And to all of you who made it to the next rounds in the Oprah Winfrey Network’s Your OWN Show, I wish you all the best. To all of you who put yourself into the process and didn’t make it, I wish you all abundance, and hope your Hang”OWN”ver doesn’t last too long. As Casey Kasem says, “Keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars.”

BTW, Oprah, call me…

Respectfully,

Dr. E…

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Did you ever take a moment to think about how you learned to speak a language? Did you just wake up one day and start talking? No. Over time you were exposed to the language. You initially had no idea what people were saying, but as you grew older, you understood more and more and tried to speak. Your brain continued to develop and you understood more and more and learned to speak better and better.

The next issue is where in the country you grew up. Different places in any region have different slang terms, accents, vernaculars, and depending on where you grew up, you believe that you have no accent and the terms you grew up using are “normal” to you. So, have you had any “bangers and mash” lately? Ask a Brit what that is, if you don’t know.

So, why am I talking about language, when I was talking about sex? Well, we acquire our knowledge and beliefs just like we acquire language. Now, here is what I would like you to do. Take a look around your house and your neighborhood. That includes what’s on your TV shows and commercials for ALL ages, computer emails, websites ads and pop-ups (especially your kids), magazines and newspapers, clothing styles, including words, name brands, phrases on clothing… Also do this for your kids. When you are looking at these items, I want you see if there is anything in the content that is sexual. This does not mean that they showing skin (for example, a show about a medical issue versus a commercial showing a bikini), but is there direct or indirect reference that could be seen as a sexual nature.

Do this for a week, and if you really want to be scientific about this, write down the number of things that you begin to notice and keep a tally. What you might expect is that you may first not notice as much, then may become more aware and notice more and more. I expect that what you notice will be biased by the “language” that you grew up with. Just as with language, sometimes we don’t realize our slang is “slang” until we listen to ourselves and others. Be aware of how much you were accepting of and were just accustomed to the content.

I don’t want to taint your assignment very much, so I won’t say much more. Good luck with your assignment.

Until next time…

Dr. E…

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Vanessa’s post:

I have been working with the amazing Dr. E… on helping young people respect and cherish their bodies.  Our biggest challenge was figuring out how to spread this message in a relevant, interesting way to kids and teens so that we were not being preachy or missing the mark.

We decided to write a short series of posts on this topic for our parent readers.  Dr. E…’s first article, [here] is an introduction to the Your Body is Not A Disneyland Message:

“Your Body is Not a Disneyland: Throughout time, people have treated their bodies like amusement parks, sometimes letting almost anybody take a ride at any cost to their self-respect. Whether it is in the name of experimentation or being a free spirit, your body is your temple, and how you and others treat it is, in some way, a testament to your feelings, beliefs and attitudes about yourself. The issue of how we treat our bodies doesn’t begin or end with us as adults. This has a trickledown effect to our children. They are always watching and listening. If we don’t begin to see and understand this issue, our children and ourselves will likely continue this self-depleting pattern. Why and how do we develop our attitudes and beliefs about sexuality, and how can we and our children learn to respect our bodies and our souls?”

While thinking about my take on this concept, I remembered a comparison that my health teacher made to me in 5^th grade that has always stuck with me.

“Your body is like a car,” she told me.

“What do you mean Mrs. Brown?” I asked.

“If you knew you had one car for your entire life what would you do when you got it?”

This was an easy question, “I would take really, really good care of it.”

She nodded. “Would you give it the best quality gasoline?”

“Yes, definitely,” I responded.

“Would you wash it, clean it regularly and take it in for check-ups?”

“I would take it in all the time just to check, and I would make sure that people cleaned their feet before they got in.” I responded, reconciling having only one car my whole life and my messy friends.

“I bet you would be careful who you let in it and who you let drive it too?” She sat down.

“Oh my goodness yes.  I would only let people I really, really trust drive it.”

“Have you ever thought that your body is like getting one car for your entire life?”

I had not, but now I was getting the comparison.  Here are the tips that changed how I treat and think about my body. I challenge you to share them with your family:

1. You only get one, so treat it very carefully.

2. Take preventative care.  Make sure to protect the outside and the interior with sunscreen/carwax, vitamins/leather cleaner.

3. Get regular check-ups.

4. Have fun too, but always make sure you are safe.

And the most important one…

5. Only let people you really trust and love get into it.

Dr. E…’s [second and third installment] addresses love head on, from a global, scientific and even historical perspective.  I thought I would add to these angles by bringing an example that many kids understand in real terms.  They would never let someone they did not know or trust drive the only car they get for their entire life.  It is the same thing with loving relationships and with sexual relations.

I hope that you can talk to your kids about treating their body more like a once in a lifetime car, and less like a Disneyland.

Next Installment: The Media Machine

Vanessa Van Petten, youthologist and teen author of the parenting book “You’re Grounded!,” manages RadicalParenting.com, a parenting blog written by 119 teen writers, ages 12-20 to help parents and adults get an honest and open view into the world and mind of youth. Van Petten’s work and blog have been featured in the Wall Street Journal, Teen Vogue, CNN, Fox News, Real Housewives of Orange County and much more!  She won the Moms Choice Award in 2009 and her work is read by over 300,000 adults.
http://www.RadicalParenting.com

Additional Articles by Vanessa and her crew:

The Laws of Teen Dating: Tween Inter-Sex life Here I go over some popular sexual terms and trends including sexting and what is inter-sex anyway?

Teen Trend: 7 Reasons Why It’s Cool to Pretend Be Bisexual Yes, this is the new wave.  Everyone is bisexual and a lot of teens are now pretending to be bisexual or gay because it is the ‘cool’ thing to do.

Teaching Teen Girls: 5 Signs A Guy Is Only Interested in Sex A parent’s guide to teach their daughters this very important dating lesson.

Teen Hook Up Culture: Teen Sex and Theme Parties Oh yes, teens having sex and Pimps and Hoes Parties when parents leave town or the second they get to college…some myths and truths.

5 Messy Teen Sex and Relationship Issues You NEED to Talk to Your Kids About There’s more to the “Sex Talk” than just the birds and the bees. What every parent must discuss with their teen.

The Sex Talk: 6 Things Parents Must Know Straight from the mouths of teens, what parents should consider before giving the sex talk.

Many of the teen articles are here: http://www.radicalparenting.com/category/sex/

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Both sex and that eros type love discussed in Part 2 have very strong effects on the brain that can feel intoxicating in different ways. There are various ways that researchers can measure the concept of love and sex, but as one can imagine, with the lightning speed that things can happen when it comes to sex, recording and understanding that process can be a little more difficult.

The experience of sex begins long before we may end up in the throes of passion. When sexual desire is activated, the amygdala (where powerful emotions are evoked), hippocampus (where memories are managed) and areas that evoke body-awareness and understanding the motives of others are stimulated. Also stimulated are areas of the Limbic System, which is one of the most primal, emotional parts of our brain. At the same time there can also be stimulation of visual centers (more common in men), self-awareness centers and other areas of the brain that may be stimulated rapidly and then become inactive.

The neurochemical involved in this euphoric process is dopamine. Researchers have stated that the rush of dopamine that occurs at orgasm is similar to the same rush that occurs when people shoot Heroin. That’s a pretty powerful punch. So what keeps us from pursuing the next fix again and again? Well, after we have reached our physical nirvana, the body secretes a chemical called prolactin. This chemical helps us to turn off our desire for sex. The effects of prolactin can influence desire and behavior for days after sex, which can explain some of the “on and off switching” that people experience in sexual relationships.

The perception of being “in love” also effects the Limbic System and dopamine is also a key neurotransmitter. When someone experiences the more primal, lusty side of the eros attraction, all rationality goes out the window, due to the stimulation of the brain and the role that dopamine plays. To our brain this feels like a huge reward. So what that really means is that we will do anything for dopamine (but I won’t do that… Sorry for the Meatloaf reference).

So just what am I saying here? Well, without going into too much detail in this installment, I wanted to make the point that our life experiences are connected to neurochemistry and the influence of our neurochemistry on our behaviors. The experiences of love and sex are strongly influenced by chemical processes in the brain, and those influences are as strong as or stronger than many illegal drugs. The question is how much influence do we have with self-awareness and education over our chemistry? Many researchers would argue that this is the way we were designed and/or evolved? I believe that we have more influence than we would like to think. There is an interaction between our thoughts, emotions and intents and our neurochemistry. If this wasn’t the case, therapy wouldn’t work. So, if people are blaming their neurochemistry or the devil for their actions in the bedroom, I would ask them to think again.

As I have said before, we are highly evolved and have the ability to use our frontal lobe for reasoning and problem solving, while we are prone to make mistakes. Sometimes reasoning is a difficult undertaking, especially when we feel intoxicated by desire or love. But we have choices. Think about tomorrow when you are acting today, and always be willing to talk with someone you trust when seeking advice before you make a mistake that may last a lifetime.

If you are interested in reading more on this topic, I would encourage you to read works by Pat Love, Helen Fisher, Serge Stoleru, whose work was referenced in this installment.

Next installment… Vanessa’s Guest Post

Respectfully,

Dr. E…

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How Do I Love Thee???

Let’s first look at our concept of love. We have one word that describes so many different emotional states, and this lack of attention to detail to this very important concept is a major problem in our culture, IMHO. There is a popular urban legend that says that Eskimos have more than one-hundred words for snow, and while the figure has been grossly exaggerated, the idea is that concepts that are important to a culture will have much more specificity than those that aren’t as important.

So, just how do we “love” things, let me count the ways… You can love your mom, your dad, your kids, your sister, your brother, your friend, your uncle, your aunt, your cousin, your teacher, your boss, your student, your country, your team, your school… You can also love a sunny day, an ice cream cone, the beach, skiing, baseball, football, as well as your pets. Some even say that they love sex.

The question is, even with this short list of things we may say that we love, do we love them the same way? I think not. Yet we use the same word to describe so many states of emotion. Do we have some words that describe different states of love? Yes, but our use of the word love is somewhat careless and leads to a lot of confusion that I firmly believe affects our relationships and attitudes toward intimacy and sex.

It has been said that Sanskrit had 96 words for love and ancient Persian had 80. Greek has three: Agape, Philos, and Eros. I will explain those, because it takes a takes a lot less time to convey the point, and we all know that blog are supposed to be brief . Agape is considered to be a more spiritual love. It is described in the Bible as to how God loves man, and I would describe it as our admiration and connection to people on their journey in life. Philos or philia is a brotherly type of love and overlaps into how parents love their children, how siblings love each other, friends love each other, and even how some people may love their pets. As you can see only three words is already getting a bit sticky. The third type of love is eros, which describes a romantic type of love. It involves the attraction between two people that is sexual and ranges from physical attraction to blind infatuation.

Well, what happens when we only have one word to describe so many states? It leads to emotional confusion and a great deal of discomfort. Let’s say that a girl loves a boy in a philos way, but the boy feels eros? They both love each other, but the boy is feel that he wants to take the relationship to the next level, while the girl is enjoying the closeness with the boy. She may then feel pressured by him to take the relationship where he wants to go or fear losing him and the love she feels from him. They both “love” each other don’t they? But does it mean the same thing, and are either of them ready for sex?

Age Is A Relative Term

What I try to teach people, as young as twelve years old through adulthood, is that in order for any intimate long-term relationship to survive, both people have to feel all three components as the relationship develops and grows. Too many times, people in our culture believe that feeling that eros attraction, which is often as strong as a mind-altering high, is enough to take a relationship to the next level. Eros will always wear off, because that is, in part, a neurophysiological experience (I will explain more about that later). The problem is that when the eros wears off, what are the two people left with? Too many times they are left with nothing, and the relationship dies. What happens when either person wakes up and one finds themselves pregnant or they find themselves married?

Developing a deep friendship (philos) and admiring the person (agape) that you are in a relationship are crucial to a successful relationship. It is easy to open ourselves up to our more primal urges and let emotion take over only to find ourselves in the walk of shame the next morning, but I feel that we were born with the ability to reason beyond our more primal self and learn to respect ourselves and those we relate to. We owe that to ourselves.

In my next installment, we will discuss “The Ultimate High…”

Respectfully,

Dr. E…

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I would not call myself old-fashioned, nor would those who know me, but I feel that our culture’s attitudes and behaviors about sex are out of control, and we seem to be more and more desensitized the more we are exposed to this. I will say that I believe that human body is a work of art and should be appreciated. I am not in favor censorship. I am in favor of good taste and mutually respectful behavior that models and emulates a respect for ourselves, each other and our bodies.

Many of you may have heard the song Your Body Is A Wonderland by John Mayer, which I am sure has inspired many a couple to be moved to an amorous exchange, to put it lightly. However, in our culture I feel very concerned by the trends that we are seeing with our teens and young adults. What I feel that I have observed is that too many people, young and old, are treating their bodies like amusement parks, letting almost anyone take a ride who in interested. What I feel that we are losing is our self-respect, blurring our boudaries and don’t understand what love and intimacy truly is.

We are humans that seek pleasure, and many a medical scientist and/or fan of Sigmund Freud would state that seeking pleasure is part of our hard wiring. We can look back to our roots as animals and find neurochemical reasons why we would seek pleasure. I also look at us from an intelligent design view and can see why sex would be made to feel pleasurable.

In future installments of this series, I will discuss our concept of love, our blurred boundaries and societal issues, as well as a few other tidbits. I hope you will become a part of this discussion as I continue this series.

Respectfully,

Dr. E…

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So what I want to talk about has to do with integrity and commitment, and if we look around we will see a lack of both in the world around us. The best way to understand what integrity truly is, is to look at building structures. When a building is built with integrity, every part of that building is in line with the other parts from the foundation on up to the spire on top the building. Integrity also extends to the ground that the building is built on. Furthermore, integrity does not only apply to how that structure is built from the top down, but is it strong from side to side? The reason for structural integrity is so that the structure can withstand what life throws at it.

We have all recently been tragically educated on what happens when buildings are not built in integrity from what we have seen on television from Haiti. The buildings were fine for what may happen in everyday experiences and even some hurricanes, but what happened when their foundation was shaken? They crumbled like a tower of children’s block with much greater consequences.

Commitment has to do with how we follow through on decisions, goals, plans and/or intentions when we decide to take them on. Similar to building a structure, if one doesn’t see their intention and commitment to a task through to the end of the construction process, that structure will lack integrity. Too many times people may have had the best intention to build a structure that would withstand the tests of time, and somewhere along the way, for whatever reason, they lost their commitment, and we have seen the consequences throughout history.

“So why all this talk about buildings and structures Dr. E…? I don’t build houses.” Well, if you haven’t figured it out, we are like a house, and we have to recognize that we have to look at ourselves from our foundation to our top floor and even the ground on which we were built.

In our culture, our families are challenged, more than half the marriages in the U.S. end in divorce, our education system is showing signs of age and wear, our financial system almost crumbled, our athletes are doing anything to win, and our political system is rife with conflict, betrayal and mistrust. We don’t have to look far to see the problems, but what are we doing to fix them and/or rebuild what is broken beyond repair? To repair our our culture, we first have to start with our “house”.

In life, it doesn’t serve us to just live and plan for the tomorrow that brings sunshine or showers. It is easy to show people what we want them or ourselves to see. What are we doing to live our lives through the earthquakes in life, when everything we hid underground is heaved up to the surface? Have we put the time, energy and commitment into looking at our own foundation in our personal, parental, marital, spiritual, political life???  Regardless of how we got here, we have to be willing to fix these problems, all the way down to our foundation. That will be through finding the integrity and commitment to live our lives to the fullest. So what can you do to do this?

1. Ask yourself, “Are my beliefs, attitudes, emotions, intentions and behaviors in line?”
2. What can you do to get them aligned? Do you need to set goals? Communicate better? Evaluate my commitments?
3. Evaluate your personal, parental, spiritual, community, and even political integrity. Are they in line or do they need to be rebuilt?
4. Get active in the change process, but know it will take time. There may be shortcuts, but they often don’t work.
5. Consider all of the people that are impacted by your integrity and commitment, but also make sure you make changes in your life for you.

I would ask each of you to look around your “house” and see what may be broken and in need of repair. What do you stand to lose if you don’t fix it?

Respectfully,

Dr. E…

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Go Bucks!!!

It was the perfect clash of burnt orange and scarlet

Over a twilight Arizona sky,

The venerable Brutus faced his adversary,

His aspirations high.

And Bevo, as they called him,

From the mighty Lone Star State,

In the town of Austin they hailed him

As the greatest of the great.

Through that autumn’s season passion,

They both withstood their tests,

Each enduring their own heartbreaks,

And through them they had given their best.

Two times they had met before this date,

In Heisman seasons past,

Each left the other’s battlefield victorious,

Their opponent did they outlast.
Twas the Scarlet yearling that led the team

Who stepped into the role

That so many had held before him,

So many “Pryor” honors to extol.

This savior from a neighboring land

Wrestled from the hands of Mountaineer then Wolverine,

A single man’s quest to covet him,

His shifting allegiances viewed by all obscene.

While Bevo had gently reared his young Colt,

Who became a stallion before his eyes,

In three young seasons of experience,

His legend was on the rise.

Twice slighted by the ones who judged them all,

Bevo prepared for the battle to come.

While the mighty Brutus had been considered an imposter,

Twice silenced by the SEC’s drum.

With Beanie’s train awaiting at the Tressel,

And Brown’s promise to deliver,

The epic battle that had been staged and anticipated

Gave even the mightiest of the mighty a shiver.

The Phoenix had risen to meet them both

Over the celebrated field of green,

But who would vanquish their formidable adversary

Both clinging to their respective dream.

While Brutus fought to preserve Pride and Dignity,

And Bevo with something to prove,

Both carrying hopes and dreams of each nation,

Believing there was so much to lose.

As the shot rang out the epic battle began,

Bevo not respecting the strength and speed,

Of the mighty Brutus’s Animal and his Cavalry,

As they lassoed his legendary steed.

T’was Brutus to his yearling

And also to his stud,

Combined to overwhelm that Long-horned steer,

As Brutus drew first blood.

Stunned he was by the strength of his foe,

Bevo had not faced such a defensive battle,

In previous skirmishes that had been waged

With other Big-12 Cattle.

When from the jaws of momentum

Bevo’s Colt did kick and buck,

And threw Brutus from his saddle,

As the battle lines were struck.

For as the Scarlet sun had set into night’s Gray,

Many did not expect to see,

The mighty Brutus riding atop

Of Bevo’s legendary steed.

But Bevo and his Colt were tenacious,

Never losing their eye on the prize,

And when he found his stallions’ rhythm,

From the ashes did he rise.

Twice did he strike with fury and cunning,

The mighty Brutus began to look wary,

The prospects of another humiliation

Felt all too familiar and all too scary.

As his back began to bow and stress

Under the pressure of Bevo’s blows,

Brutus took a deep breath and reached down deep inside

And from the dust he again arose.

He stared into the eyes of his own fear

And swallowed down his pain,

And from the bowels of pride and determination

Brutus forged ahead again.

On to his yearling and to his stud

To the field they took their fight,

And fought and battled this Long-horned steer

Deep into the night.

Although few had given the proud Buckeye a chance

Brutus continued to wage his battle,

His stud passed the torch to his yearling,

And put the pigskin in the end zone of that Cattle.

As the fight was long and arduous,

It was coming to an end,

For Brutus and his Cavalry

Had eighty yards of battlefield to defend.

As Bevo was determined and Brutus was strong

The adversaries both drew upon their strengths,

But could Bevo and his Colt with so little time

Take the pigskin the field’s length?

As Brutus rode that Colt into submission,

He had but a single moment of distraction,

And the legendary stallion took advantage

Much to Brutus’s dissatisfaction.

For as Bevo’s pigskin crossed that line,

And Brutus’ back was broken,

The hearts and minds of the Buckeye Nation

Shared his pain unspoken.

On that night they both walked off the field

Respecting each other’s determination,

But at this time it would be Bevo and his Colt,

Taking the spoils back to their rejoicing nation.

It was a cold, windy day in Columbus

When Brutus rode back into town,

To find his fellow Buckeyes still cheering him

And from his yet wiser yearling stepped down.

For bones and muscles may be broken and torn

They will also take time to mend,

But the Mighty Brutus gave his all in this battle,

And like the Phoenix he will rise again.

Erik Fisher, Ph.D. aka, Dr. E…  January, 2009

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Whether or not it is the media, our desire for fame and sensationalism, or our tendency to hold people we admire up to unrealistic standards, I see the issues of our fallen idols as much of an issue of our society as I do of the individual who has transgressed.
We live in a culture of extremes: good/bad, right/wrong, strong/weak, win/lose. This all-or-nothing world view has its consequences, because there isn’t much in between the extremes.

We are programmed from very early on to be as good, strong, and right as possible so we can be seen as winners. We also learn to hide the bad, wrong and weak, because we believe that “losers” aren’t worthy of love. But how do we view those who we feel are better than us? Well, either we idolize them or try to destroy them. There usually aren’t in betweens. What options does this leave the person held up to idol status? Do they want to expose their humanness or hide it? Furthermore, when a person has been put in idol status, the human tendency is to believe it.

The Imposter Syndrome

Imposters are all around us, and you would never know it, because they don’t want to be seen in that light. An imposter is someone who has risen to a level of power or status that is higher than they feel they have earned or deserved. I am sure we have all heard the phrase, “Fake it ‘til you make it”. This is a great demonstration of this concept. Almost all imposters feel terrified to be found out, and they feel like they are constantly living a lie. The result can be an incredible amount of stress, and almost a desire to be “found out”. Then the gig is up and the pressure to be perfect is up, but then who will love them?

When do we ever allow our idols to be human, and even if they display humanness, do we explain it away, excuse it, blame others, or kick them to the curb? Did Tiger and all of our other idols ask to be put at that status, or did we put them there? Did he want to excel at golf? Yes, this is what he was programmed to do and what he ultimately chose. He excels at golf. When, in all that time he was on the course, did he learn to do relationships? Should he have learned integrity, values, and morals??? Absolutely. So, why was it that he defied his better judgment??? That answer we may never know, but that is more for our “idols” to figure out. Do you think he felt terrified to be found out? Only he knows.

Imposters have existed for centuries. So why now are so many idols falling? I believe the reason is because we demand more and the media and all of us almost feel that we own our idols and should have the right to know everything about them. The secrets that were kept in the past are no longer kept, and more often then not are sold to the highest bidder. In many ways the ways we go about this lacks integrity, but for our idols, we are demanding integrity. Isn’t this a double standard?

We also have to keep in mind that there are “two sides to every story”, and many times we aren’t even looking for the truth, or either person’s side. We would rather stand in judgment and form our own opinions and make them our truth.

Arrogance, The End of All Empires

If we look at history closely, we will see that the end of almost all empires was arrogance. When we tell people how great they are or treat them as if they are better than us, they can’t help but believe it. The same is true if you tell someone that they are a screw up. This is because in our culture, we have learned to get our power from other people. It starts with our parents and continues from there. We look for approval, love, acceptance, praise, rejection, punishment… We are not taught to believe in ourselves.

What we need to understand is that arrogance is a protective emotion. It is a false sense of “pride” that is often associated with a skill set that we have. What people who use arrogance do is often try to extend their skill set beyond their area of success. For a hypothetical example, Tiger, who is gifted in golf, extends his arrogance to other areas of his life, for example relationships, where may not have the same skill and mastery. He finds that he is lacking in this area of his life, but does not want to admit to this or others. He possibly feels that he is failing in some way and may be avoiding the problem by looking for others to support his ego, thus he engages in relationships with a number of others to disguise insecure aspects of his life. He may believe that the more conquests he has, the better he must be. Isn’t that how life works — at least in the golfing world. The problem is the denial in the weakness and other flaws because our “idol”, and those that idolize them, don’t want to see their humanness.

When we believe that we are better than others, we often develop a sense of entitlement and feel that we are above the rules, laws, morals and values of the culture around us. We believe that we can let the rules slide because we don’t want to believe that they should apply to us. When we idolize someone, we also believe the same things and feel that the rules shouldn’t apply to our idol, so we let things slide.

Seek and Destroy

Over the centuries, there have been so many times that the stars have fallen from the skies, whether they were in politics, music, theater, sports, movies or television. We have to recognize how we put these people in these roles in our lives, and how we all gave them power. Are they responsible for their actions? Absolutely. Are we responsible for ours? Is it difficult to live under the pressure and the microscope, and could that contribute to their problems? Yes. They still have their journey to walk in their life, and so do we.

Some people spend their whole life trying to live under that microscope, because they want to be fed by their worshippers. These individuals are in every corner of our society and it is up to them to understand their need to love this way. By feeding their ego, it only delays their growth.

How many people have to be harmed by our idolatry, curiosity and judgment? In the wake of this Tiger Woods nightmare, people are coming out of the woodwork, no pun intended, to trash an image and the man. It is as if we were all waiting for this to happen and/or feeling betrayed now that it did. We were waiting for the chink in the armor and then have sought to destroy something/someone that many of us created. The way we handle our fallen idols in the press and in ourselves is more an issue of society than anything else.

It is crucial to the growth and evolution of our society that we learn to find our power and belief in ourselves. It is also crucial for our “idols” and ourselves to remember that they are human and so are we. We all have our journeys in life, and we will all have our challenges. Let our fallen idols see the wisdom in healing their wounds. As you judge them, you judge yourself.

Can this exposure of our idols human imperfections be a good thing? Absolutely. As we expect them to live in integrity in all aspects of their lives, we should ask the same thing of ourselves.

Respectfully,

Dr. E…

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